Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this weekI've been experiencing a kind of bloggers blockI just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence togetherAnd I've been avoiding blogger There isn't anything wrong as such I just don't feel one hundred percent myself I feel really tired Emotional Not present in my own body or mind I feel like I don't fit in Anywhere Not in my own family Not at the meetings The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses I just feel so at home And so free when I am up on StarLike nothing else matters at that moment As you know I ride with a group of MS sufferers And we all leave our troubles at the door And just have fun Enjoy each other's companyAs well as the horses There is such a lovely atmosphere there And everyone has a lovely time Next week I am going to help with the pony camp for kids And my nephew is coming with me tooWe are going to work for the day And then have a lesson in the afternoonSo that is something to look forward to 
Apart from that glorious day once a week When I forget about my troubles Things are tough I saw Mary this morning It was a long and tough sessionWe covered a lot Family issuesFood And of course weight She weighed me I didn't look But then as always I asked her what it was I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks Even though it's small amount I still had a bad reaction to it And immediately began to withdraw and close upMary is convinced it's muscle As I am a lot more active It could be I guess But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point It's not so much that fact that I gained a kiloIt's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this And spin out  of control We talked about my anxiety around numbers They are just numbers Mary said But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so longIt's hard to escape that prisonThat rigid way of thinking And the thing is Before Mary weighed me this morning I felt alright in my bodyI bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday And I felt I looked something approaching decent It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 
With all that said I was wondering about youHow you made peace with the numbers in your life?If yesHow did you do that?Do you think we should weigh in recovery?Why do you think that ?Answers on a postcard please....