Thursday

So nearAnd yet so farI had almost reached a full week purge freeAlas After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening I broke my streak It was actually two bowls of pastaI made spaghetti bolognase for dinnerI gave myself a modest portionAnd half way through I decided that I'd had enough And put it in the fridgeLater onAbout two hours laterI decided I would have the rest of the pastaI can't say I was hungry exactlyAt least not physically hungryMaybe emotionally hungryThe second I had it eaten I knew I was in trouble But instead of asking my family for helpOr trying to distract myself I headed to the bathroomAnd did the dirty deed The relief felt goodBut it was fleeting Immediately I felt guiltyAnnoyed Frustrated I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging But it wasn't to be 
But Today is a new day. And a chance to get back on track I started off my day walking LeaHoney elects to stay at home sometimesWe had a lovely walkThen it was time for me to go and see MaryToday I was seeing her in a town further afield In the new primary care centreI get anxious going to new placesBut I found it okAnd got parked nearbyI headed up to the second floor Where Mary told me her room was I settled in to a seat in the roomAnd Mary asked me how the past week has been I told her about all the good things The horses Helping out at the Easter campsMeetings And of course starting to get a handle on the purging She seemed genuinely delighted for meAnd to be making progress at long last is exciting We chatted for a whileUntil she asked me if I had been weighingI was honest And said I had a couple of times But the thing isMy mom and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading And weighing too highAccording to my calculationsI have gained ten pounds in little more than a weekAnyway So Mary weighed me on her scales And it said I had gained two kilos So my own scale is wrong I was delighted to only have put on two kilos As I was convinced that I had gained more And anyway I could do with a couple of kilos So it's all good 
So Today is day 1 againI can learn from my mistakes yesterdayAnd use that going forwardI am excited to be purge freeI know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour I've been purbing every single day since I was 19Even in treatment I couldn't stopCouldn't even get one dayIt was just another part of my dayEat PurgeEat PurgeI had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom For the longest timeI didn't believe that I could stopI was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life foreverBut now Now I believe that I can stopThat it is possible to have a life post EDI have given up harder things in the past So why not purging too?And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating I had more energy Wasn't so pale and wan looking My hair and nails and skin improved And I generally felt better about myself 
So Today is a fresh startI know to avoid very filling foods at the momentSuch as pastaRice Potatoes For now Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them againAnd eat a varied diet It's such a relief thoughNot to be piling on the weightPurging kept my weight low  And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating And working the way it should Two kilos is not much And that's clothes Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or soI am happy to maintain my weight at this A BMI of just over 18I can live with that In fact I can live with anything up to 20But As ever It's not the number that is important Or how I look What I weighThe important thing is to be healthy and happy And I feel something approaching these two things And that my friendsIs a minor freakin' miracle
I really wanted to share this with you todayBecause I want you to know that recovery is possible That there is life after anorexia/bulimia There is hope There is recovery there for you and meIt's right in front of us We just need to reach out and grabThere is the danger of falling But that's okWe can get up Dust ourselves off And continue onFall down seven times Get back up eight I am a firm believer in that So today Please Know that there is hope There is a life for you A life that is ED free Addiction free Self harm freeBelieve me when I say that together we can beat our demons Together we can build a better lifeWe can recover We can reach our hopes and dreams It is possible I promise you that 
So today I urge you to step outside your comfort zone Push the boundaries Take a risk A risk in life You won't regret itYou won't be sorry We will get there I just know we willAre you with me???