Thinking It Over

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my last postI realize that it's not easy to tell someone when you think they might be going down a wrong pathEven as I wrote that postI think I knew deep down that what I was doing was counter intuitive I was fighting against what my body wanted And needed to doAnd I am now rethinking the whole weight loss thing As of this morning I've lost nine poundsAnd my navy trousers most definitely fitI have no need to continue on this pathBecause I don't know if I'll be able to put the brakes onI can't know when the ED takes overAs someone wrote yesterdayThe line between losing a few pounds and the ED is a very fine oneIn fact it's almost invisible I'm barely a year in to my recovery My body is finding its natural set point I think it's a good idea to lay off the junk food like I have though And concentrate on nourishing and feeding my body properly I swear I had been eating a lot of junk food Practically surviving on it And I know that's not good Again It's like it's all or nothing All the food Or none of the food Black or white 
Actually I don't think I've ever successfully dieted in my whole lifeAs in lose a sensible amount of weight while still feeding my body Fasts never worked for me eitherI've always lost the most weight while bingeing and purging I suppose the body gets so dehydrated That the weight drops quicklyBut even in the 11 days that I was trying to lose weight I think a lot of it is also dehydrationI haven't been purging much But admittedlyI haven't been feeding my body very wellAlsoI had become more and more obsessed with the scaleWeighing myself a ridiculous amount of times a day And my mood and self esteem bouncing up and down along with the weight
Even at my lowest weightI still allowed myself chocolateAlbeit I ate nothing else But I love my savoury and sweet treats I mean what is life without a little treat now and again?I am a firm believer in everything in moderationIncluding moderationWhether I can put that in to practice is another matter I try I doBut againMy whole body and mind is programmed for all or nothing It doesn't seem to understand anything else They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habitOr is it 28?I'm Not quite sure But I know I can get my eating good if I just put in a little effort Heck I've given up heroin and cigarettes Why is food so damn tricky?It's like my last nemesis It's just so hard because I can cut heroin, alcohol and smokes out of my life But with food You can't do that Well you can But that would completely defeat the purpose Yes It's tricky to find a happy mediumEspecially for people with EDs and addiction issues
Another thing is the numbersI know I can get totally obsessed seeing the numbers go downIt's like a power trip That false feeling that you are in controlBut of course you are in fact spinning wildly out of control
Someone mentioned yesterday About allowing my body to be the size it wants to be This is another interesting pointBefore my EDI was always around 54kgBut since my ED developed My weight has fluctuated a lotI never seem to stay the same weight for longBecause of all the bingeing and purging I've been trying to stay in around a size 8 - 10But maybe my body needs to be bigger for a whileI'm sure my metabolism is shot at this point And my body is compensating Because it's not always sure when it's being fed againOr if I will let my body keep the food
Now my challenge is to get back to some sort of normalityOver the last week or soI've become used to being hungry And almost even enjoying itAll of a sudden It becomes difficult to eatAnd I don't doubt that it will be now
I will take it easy Rule no 1 is to stop weighing And to eat three meal and snacksBut still allow myself a treat when the fancy takes meI guess I  am a work in progressAs I wrote yesterdayRecovery is not a straight roadGod knows I make mistakes on a daily basis But I do try to learn from themAnd not repeat themThat is the trick I think 
Yesterday's comments Reminded me why I write this blogYou beautiful and smart ladies have me done sterling advice And thdt is exactly why I wrote they post yesterday As I know you will tell me what I need to hearRather than what I want to hearI thank you from the bottom of my heartFor reading For being thereFor being honest with meEven when it's difficult and awkward I appreciate it more than you will ever know