There's Something About Mary

Thank God for Mary
I wouldn't have got through the last few days without her
She is the only beacon of light I have right now
The only thing keeping me sane
I saw her yesterday
She has arranged for me to see an addiction counselor today
I am still incredibly upset
I alternate between hysterical crying and feeling totally numb
I could barely look Mary in the eye during our session
I looked at the ground or examined my fingers
She is trying to get me to move forward
To accept things are the way they are with my meds
But that's the thing
I can't accept it
I can't believe I have no say in what happens to my own body
My own life
My own sanity
It just feels all wrong
Everything about it feels so wrong
I can't believe that it has to be this difficult
And having spoken to a couple of people and getting some invaluable advice from Dani and Loulou, I see even more that my doctor is doing things arseways
He is making it up as he goes along
I don't think he has any idea of the distress he is causing
There is certain protocol for methadone detox and he is all but ignoring it
I am his guinea pig
Everything time I think about I start to cry
Sitting with Mary today she was making a list of things that would help me get through this
But all I could think was what is the point
What is the point of anything
I just want to crawl in to my bed and sleep forever
Mary wants me to contact my friends and she asked me to contact one of them right there and then
I texted a friend but my heart wasn't in it
She still has not got back to me
Mary seems to have an unshakable faith and belief in me
I don't know why
In my opinion I am a lost cause
A broken soul
Broken beyond repair
I can't even imagine being happy or content
The concept is so foreign to me
I was there in body talking to Mary but my mind was somewhere else
I'm somewhere else
My body and mind are disconnected
I got home and decided to ring my doctor to make an appointment
I could only get one for Friday afternoon
I don't know if I'm going to go
I don't know if there is any point
But if I continue on in this miserable state I might have to
Having had this run in with doctor got me thinking
I've seen countless doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists over the years
And I realize that I've butted heads with quite a few of them
In fact the addiction counselor I'm seeing today was one of them
I saw him for a while when I first moved here a few years ago
One day he told me that I wasn't making any sense
I was hugely insulted and argued with him
Then there were the nurses in treatment who I had big problems with
A psychiatrist who wouldn't refer me for inpatient
A counselor who told me she couldn't see me because I was on methadone
A doctor who discharged me from treatment because I was on methadone
A counselor who I had to make a statement against because he was being really inappropriate
I think back on all the incidences and I wonder do I make trouble for myself?
Do I throw all my toys out of the pram when I don't get my own way?
Am I the one in the wrong?
I spoke to my father about this today and he said that it's good not to take things lying down
To speak up for yourself
That more and more people question their doctors and don't take their word as gospel
People have more of a say in their own treatment and are not afraid to speak up
One thing that I have inherited from my father is an ability to use my words as a weapon
This can be both a blessing and a curse
When I'm upset or angry I use my words to attack or defend myself
So I inevitably end up going for the jugular
I can be manipulative and sarcastic and end up getting myself in to more trouble
But I don'r regret what I said to my doctor on Monday
I have no doubt that what he is doing is wrong and I will continue to fight my corner
I know that there is probably never a right time to detox but my doctors timing couldn't be worse
It's always going to be difficult but why make it harder than it needs to be?
My father thinks that my doctor is worried about the fact that the methadone has caused the pancreatitis
That he wants to get me off it as quick as possible
There is uproar in this country at the moment about doctor's misconduct and my father thinks that maybe my doctor is thinking that he should have taken me off it long ago
But if that's what he is worried about he hasn't said a word
Do you think it's a good thing to speak up about your treatment or do you accept what your doctor says?