There's Something About Mary...

I knowI knowI've used that post title more than once or twiceBut there really is something about MaryI had my last session with her yesterdayWhich I was both dreading and looking forward to in equal measuresI arrived on timeAnd ahe came to the office doorAs she always does when she hears me come in the front doorI settled in my usual seat across from herAnd all of a sudden I felt really emotionalLike it was the end of an eraLiterally However I managed to keep it togetherAnd told Mary about starting in the dog shelter next week She has always told me to do what I love to doThen it's never like work And I concur I'm looking after my neighbours dog this weekSo I had to postpone the dog shelter until next weekI am like so happy at the monentAll i do is walk dogs And feed themAnd play with themAnd talk to themI swear I think I have find my true calling in life I love itAnd I am now more sure than ever that I made the right decision not to do the business courseIt would have been like putting s bird in a cage For want of a better expression
Mary and I chatted for a whileShe asked me to think back to the first day that I met herI can remember it so clearly I arrived for my appointment on timeAnd the receptionist informed me that Mary had got caught in a back log of trafficAnd would be late Then she made me a cup of tea and a biscuitI must have looked like I needed it Mary arrivedAll smiles and apologiesWe went in to an office I remember feeling dead insideThere was nothing going on inside me emotionallyI was feeling hopelessResigned to my fate as an eating disordered drug addictMy first session with Mary was all paperworkAssessing my risk to myself and all thatI remember answering many questionsYou know the ones where they ask you things like how often do you feel like killing yourselfTick here for neverHere for sometimesHere for a lot Here for all the timeIt's hard to fill in these type of questionnaires As you don't want to come across as completely unhingedYet you want them to know that you do really need helpI guess the best bet is to be honestToday I also had to fill in the same questionnare And I was delighted to be able to tick hardly ever or neverFor most of the questions Which was a turn around 
We talked a lot about recovery How it's a never ending process And needs constant maintenance And upkeep Mary made the point that recovering from a mental illness Is as important as recovery from a physical illness And often the two are linkedMary told me that her door is always open If I need a few booster sessionsShe said that needing supportEven extra supportIs not the same as a relapse Asking for support is key in preventing a relapseI've relapsed enough times to know the warning signsAnd I know that a relapse usually happens long  before you pick up a drug or lose a significant amount of weightIt happens when you let things slipAnd slideWhen you become complacent Comfortable I know that I'm well today because of the structure and support I have in placeAnd I need to remain vigilant Mary told meThat from the first day she met meShe had high hopes for meBecause of my honesty and motivationShe really believed in meAnd I really felt  that from herAll alongShe has fed me the idea that recovery is possibleI doubted her for so long But now I know that it's possibleBecause it's happening to meShe told me that the reason she gets up in the morning Is to see the smile on faces like mineAs we head off from being dischargedAnd out to live our livesShe held out her arms We huggedAnd said goodbyeAnd walked out the door And as I closed it behind meAnd felt like I was closing a chapter in my lifeSo that's it I am no longer in therapy I can now say with out a shadow of a doubt That I am in recovery It's no exaggeration to say that sometimes it feels like my recovery happened in spite of meIn spite of my trying to self destructAnd f**k it upIt really feels like I was carried to this point On the shoulders of the people that support meI dont remember ever making a decision to recoverAll I know was that last AprilI took an overdoseWhat happened after that is a blur It seems that as quickly as things can turn sourAnd go Pete TongThey can also turn around just as quickAnd that's they way I feel it happened to meOf course I participated in my own recoveryI went to therapy I did the workI ate the foodI stopped the purging I did it But stillIt really feels as though love and support got me through I know I am luckyHaving a strong family behind me has been the back bone of my recoveryAnd my Mother has been at the helm every step of the wayI couldn't have done this without herShe has bee there every step of the wayWhen I had many a meltdown over my weightWhen I was ill she cared for meWhen I cried she held me When I thought I was losing my mind she sat with Talked to me One story she often tells me is of the day I was bornAnd listening to that soothes like nothing elseShe is nothing short of incredible
As I type this I feel tears sting the back of my eyesLife thus far has been like a roller coaster on steroids Sometimes I wonder how I made it to 34But I didAnd I know there is a reason for thatEven if it's not clear yetI trust it willIn timeI think back to yesterday When I weighed myselfThat number couldn't mean less to meWhatever weight I am It is better than being a walking skeleton It's better than being at deaths doorOr in deaths waiting roomI am just grateful to have a body And a healthy body at that Yes I now have boobsAnd a bum you could eat your dinner offBut that is so much better than skin and bones Mary asked me todayWhat I would tell myself if I could go back to in time I would tell that poor, sick, broken girlTo go for itTo take a chance on lifeAnd grab it by the ballsDon't waste another month, week, day on this cruel bitch of an illnessThrow out your scales Give your skinny clothes to charity Have a frothy coffee just the way you like itHave a slice of cakeAllow yourself to eat what you wantWhether that be an orange or chocolate Be kind to yourself Be gentle on yourself Because you need youAnd you are stuck with youSo you better start accepting and loving yourself Because you only have one lifeOne chanceOne shot at being happy So go for it!Shoot for the stars You won't regret it
It's been a long road to this pointBut you knowI don't regret a thingNot one thingEverything that has happened had got me to this point And this point is not a bad place to beNot at all Now I'm ready for the next chapterCome on lifeI'm ready for you....