The Wreckage

My head has been well and truly wrecked for the last two daysEver since that meeting on WednesdayI still don't know if I am being paranoidIf I am imagining thingsOr if what I think happened really happenedEither way is not a good resultEither I am inventing false scenarios in my headOr I am too sensitiveOr meetings really are a hostile placeNeither outcome is a good one
I've talked it over with a few peopleMy sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myselfAnd maybe take a break from meetings for a few daysI was supposed to go to a couple yesterdayBut backed outJust couldn't face itI guess I could go and not speakWhich is probably what I will do When I go backI just don't know when that will beI won't stay away too longJust long enough to get my head together 
I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morningAbout how much weight I put in what others think of meAnd I hate thatI would love to be more like my sisterAnd not give a flying fuck what people think about meI would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to sayDoing what I want to doAnd caring in the slightest what anyone thoughtHow freeing that would beAnd also anxietyAnxiety is killing me at the momentThere are certain safe things I do everydayBut outside of thatI am a ball of nerves And I can't handle itI just can't handle it!
I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterdayI just wanted to call out to himDrink poppy tea to my hearts contentAnd talk shite for a few hoursI came close But I didn't The consequences are too severe
But I have to admit I did overuse my meds todayIs that the same thing?I'm not quite sureAll I know Is that I need a breakMy head needs a breakI need to check off the planet for a whileHave a day off of lifeI want to sleep Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore
The thing is thoughWe only have one lifeOne chance at this thing we call livingWhat is the point in tip-toeing through itAfraidShy TimidFearfulWalking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boatWho cares if we rock the boat?Rocking the boat is fun!Rock on I say!But If only I could just do itInstead of talking about it
In my familyI am very gregarious and outspokenBut in real life I am a timid little mouseAnd I don't want to be a mouseI just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence
ConfidenceThat's another thing that alludes meI literally have noneNot a jotNot an iotaNot even a little bitThat sucks major balls!That's why I love writing And hate speakingWith writingI can get the words out at my own paceIn my own speed and timeWith speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to sayAnd it inevitably comes out arse waysSo what's a nervous anxious girl to do?How do you build strength and confidence?I guess by living lifeExperiencing different things EducationHobbiesWorkFriendsDoing new thingsTaking risks Living a full and varied lifeNo one said living would be easyI was wondering about youHow do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?Have you any exercises or tips?How do you deal with these things?I would love to know....