As I walked up the stairs to her office I became out of breath and felt light headed
I paused at the top of the stairs to steady myself before I went in
This is happening to me a lot lately
Everytime I stand up my head feels really heavy and I get so dizzy that I think I'm going to pass out
I told Mary about it and she said it was because I wasn't eating enough and purging every little thing that I do eat
It was a difficult session
She really pushed me to make a commitment to change
There is still this never ending tug of war going on inside my head
To recover or not to recover
I'm stuck in this wishy washy, no man's land
Limbo
Bless Mary, she is trying so hard to help me
It must be so frustrating for her to watch me go round and around in circles
If I were her I'd want to shake me
To slap some sense in to me
After the session I walked up to meet my mother
I had been walking for a couple of minutes when I started to feel dizzy again
My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was sure I was going to throw up
I had to stop right there, sit on the curb and put my head between my knees
Thank God it passed but it was scary
My eating disorder is finally taking it's toll on my health
It's affecting my everyday life
I just don't feel right
I don't feel well
Like my body is shutting down
My weight continues to drop
About half a pound a day
The anorectic part of my mind is loving it
But in reality I am worried
I'm weighing myself every day and every day the number goes down
I feel like I am spinning out of control
Like this is all happening to me and I have no say in the matter
It scares me
Mary expressed concern about my blog also
The last week I've had no internet and therefore no blogging
I actually did more outside of the house during that week
Without the internet I had to find other things to do
Mary asked me whether my blog helps me or hinders me
Up until recently I would have said that it 100% helps me
But having been away from it for a week I can see that it does have some drawbacks
My blog keeps me very focused on my ED
Thinking about it
Reading about it
Writing about
And I think the more attention we give our eating disorders, the stronger they become
Then there is the danger of comparing myself to others
If I read someone's weight I immediately compare it to my own
That can be extremely triggering
There is no doubt that this blog had had a positive effect though
It has given me something to do
A purpose
It helps me make sense of things
And of course the people I have met here has been the highlight of writing this blog
You all have saved my life over and over again
We have never met and may never meet
We don't know what each other looks like
We don't even know each others real names
We come from the 4 corners of the earth
Different countries
Ages
Races
Sexes
But we all have one thing in common
We are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We are prisoners in our own bodies
Some of us are hanging on by our finger tips
Some of us just want to disappear
We struggle every single day
Each in our won personal hell
We beat ourselves up emotionally
We believe we are bad people
Broken beyond repair
Unlovable
Outsiders
Living a half life
All we have is each other
There is no doubt that my blog can also be unhealthy
Sometimes I feel like because I have been given the diagnosis of anorexia/bulimia, that I have to live up to that label
That I have to be disordered
Lets be honest I think most of us would rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery
Am I wrong to say that?
Reading about that extreme highs and lows of anorexia and bulimia makes for interesting reading
Recovery and living life isn't always that way
Although maybe if I was in recovery I would find it more interesting
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes this blog can be like fuel for my eating disorders
Like it helps to maintain it
Mary asked me if I would consider taking a break from blogging to see if it makes a difference
So I am thinking about that
I really don't want to leave you all but I suppose I have to figure out what is going to help me
I have to start helping myself
With all that said I was wondering about you
Do you think there are any negatives to blogging?
If yes, what are they?
Would you rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery?
Do you think Mary is right and I should take a break from blogging
I'd love to know what you think
