Mary was the one who used to weigh me
But of course she is no longer around
So that task has been left up to me
The last time I weighed myself was in my uncle's house some weeks ago
I had a bit of a meltdown
As I saw a number I have never seen in my entire life
After that I stopped weighing
Just for my own peace of mind
And mental health
I decided no good could come of it
And I didn't need that extra stress in my life
But not weighing does not mean that I am not curious
I compare myself to my Mother and my sister
I know what they weigh
So if I try on their clothes
I have an idea what I am in comparison to them
They are both very slim
My Mother especially is like a tiny little bird
It's hard to imagine that I used to be a lot smaller than her
I look at her now and think she is so small and petite
My sister is also tiny
And they tell me that I have the same frame as them
I'm not sure though
So last last night
I got it in to my head that I wanted to know my weight
I said it to my sister
She said not to
That it was a bad idea
And it didn't matter anyway
I wish I could be like that
And not give a flying f**k what I weighed
I wish it didn't matter
But it does
It still does
After the conversation with my sister
I decided not to weigh
But then
When I went down to my room to change in to my pyjamas
On impulse I pulled out the scale and stood on it
Before I could change my mind
I had a number in mind
And if I was over that
I just didn't know how I was going to handle it
But in actual fact
I was about 3kilos lighter than I thought I was
So I don't know if I've lost weight
Or if the last scales I stood on was way off
Either way
I am not ecstatic
But I am not disgusted either
I can handle it
Just about
As you know
I rarely disclose my weight
I don't really see the point
It shouldn't matter
And it doesn't
I will say that I my BMI is well within the healthy range
And that's all that matters
Regaining this weight has been a rollercoaster of emotions
I swing between absolutely hating my body
To being somewhere near accepting it
My perspective can change in a split second
I remember every comment anyone has ever made about my appearance
Even as a child
Even before I was eating disordered
I filed all these comments in the back of my head
And used them when needed to insult myself
And beat myself up
Some of my favourites are
'Oh you've filled out'
'You're getting a little chubby'
I could go on and on
But I won't
I was wondering about you
Do you weigh yourself?
Or do you leave well alone?
