The Shame of Addiction

First I want to thank you all for your comments on my last postI really appreciate your candour and your honestyI haven't replied to all the comments yetBut  will get to them todayThank you all
Monday is always a bit of a Wright offHaving had no meds on SundayI usually sleep for a few hours on Monday Even if I did take my meds properly And didn't abuse themI always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds I get them up Let them out Bring them for a good long walkGive them a chewy treatAnd then take my meds I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungryYou can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feetI got up immediately and fed them But for me That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungryShame on me I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my medsAnd sleeping my life away
After writing yesterday's postI had a good long think And a good long look at myself Someone left a comment yesterdayThat what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin Only these drugs I get for freeThis is a valid pointIt's the same shitDifferent substanceOthers suggested that I need to fill my dayAnd have an occupationI wholeheartedly agree with this And rang the dog shelter this morningSo hopefully I can start there soon
But yesYesterday I thought about my actions at the moment It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs To see me out of it Nodding off and falling asleep Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes When I make my teaAnd head in to the living room They look so sad Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them But for the last while My meds have been the priority And that has to change I claim to be in recovery I claim to be turning my life aroundThat applies to all areas of my lifeNot just my EDI know I need to address this meds problem If I really want to be in recovery 
Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to meI rescued Honey and LeaI've been there for them every day for the last ten years They are both elderly now And need a little bit of extra care in their old age This incident yesterday All your comments And my mothers and sisters concernAnd my own concernHave all added up to my wanting to make a change I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possibleTaking and overusing my meds is not making me happyIt's not fulfilling my lifeIt's not making me a better personIt's draining the life out of meIt's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out I don't want to be that person Not at all
One of the reasons I don't drinkIs because when you are drunkWhat you sayAnd what you do Is not realIt's fake The same can be said for medsWhen I am abusing them I am not myself What I say and doIs not realBecause I am mood altered I am not myself 
So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family memberThis is a good suggestionAnd something that has worked in the past However I've decided to give myself this weekTo see if I can take them properly Starting today Depending on how this week goesI will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or notHistory tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugsI've always been a greedy addictIf something makes me feel goodI will take it over and over againNo matter what the consequences
Usually In addictionThe precursor to change is hitting a rock bottomThat can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concernedI hit many many rock bottoms during my own addictionBecause the drug I used is illegalCrime is usually involved And other shady dealings The thing with prescription drugs Is that the are legalMy doctor writes me a prescriptionI bring said prescription to the pharmacy Collect my medsAnd it's all above board Of course I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to I take a double dose on some days But I think both addictions are the very same The only thing that separates them is that one is legal And the other is not At the moment I am having my cake and eating itI have the luxury of having my addictionWith none of the consequences I get to live in a nice house In a dry clean bed With a roof over my head Clothes in my wardrobe And food in my fridge I could go on like this forever if I wanted to But do I want to?NoI don't think so 
I am of the age Where a lot of my friends are getting  married Having children And pursuing a careerI do t know if I necessarily want that But it would be nice to have the optionI definitely want a careerI want to do something I love Whether that's working with animalsOr helping others with EDs and addictionI can't see myself doing anything else I don't know if I want childrenBut I definitely want a partner to share my life with None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my medsAnd maintain my addiction
I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted personI feel an inherent sadness I run from these feelingsI don't like these feelingsI accepted a long time agoThey my base level mood Is lower than the average personI feel my feelings intensely Like I am hyper sensitiveThat can be overwhelming Too much for me to handle So I cut my feelings off at the sourceBecause I don't know how else to deal with them I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending themAnd being around others who are in recovery So why don't I go?Well History also tells me that when I go to meetings I start off well And throw myself in to them But then I get complacent Start to skip them here and there And then stop going altogether And that is a pattern I repeat over and over Another reason I don't go Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd Like I don't quite fit inAnd that is a horrible feelingI don't know Maybe meetings are not for meMaybe I can do it another wayBut then Maybe I should give them another shot And take it day by day One thing is for sure I need to do something Because time is going by so fast at the moment And before I know it My life will be over 
I guess my confidence in myself could be improved One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or workIs thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough Not good enough Not pretty enough Too quiet Too shy Too introverted That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me outWhat I would really love to do Is help others with eating disorders and addictionI have absolutely no educational qualifications But I am more than qualified in EDs and addictionAnd I really feel I could help others Because I have been there myself My blog is a huge part of my lifeAnd I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others As you know I don't censor my writing I share my story warts and all The ups and downs The highs and lows Every drama Every set backEvery triumph and success Is documented here I don't hold back Because I want to be realAnd authenticI don't know how to be any other way
So I am going to try Starting today I am going to try my best to take my meds properly And his day next weekI will asess the situationAnd see what changes need to be made I am lucky I have great support Both in my real lifeAnd here in my blogDo with all your help I know I can do this And more importantly I really want to do this And that is half the battle So today is day 1I will try my best I will find other ways to deal with my feelings I will speak to Breda And my doctor if I need to I have to do this For myself For my family For Honey and LeaFor all of us What is the alternative...?