The Scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers
I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of itI am going by clothesAnd they fit me just fineSo I'm ok with that
My body image is a bit all over the place at the momentSometimes I look in the mirror And I want to crySometimes I think I look okSometimes I think I look something approaching goodIt changes from day to dayMinute to minuteAnd is subject to change at the drop of a hat
But you know what?Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelationWhen I threw my first scales in to the lakeI knew there was another one in the house So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted toBut this timeWell now my house is scale freeI have to tell youIt is so liberatingApart from the odd time when I get an urge to weighI feel positively freeLike a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shouldersLiterallyThe scale was my best friendAnd my worst enemyDepending on the number I wasI'd get up in the morningGo to the bathroomThen stripAnd stand tentatively on the scaleHolding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the numberBefore I stood on the scaleI would have a number in my headA safe numberAnything under that number would be goneBut anything moreAnd the shit would really hit the fan
So now I have no earthly clue what my weight isAnd I don't think I want to knowAll I know is that I feel ok in my skinNot fantasticBut not unbearable eitherI can tolerate myself Most of the time My clothes fit fineAnd are even a bit looseSo I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling downAnd is becoming stableThank you JesusMy weight is stabilising 
I feel like I am getting back to myselfAfter a rocky ChristmasGetting my meds daily has really helpedAs I have no opportunity to misuse themI feel clear headedCapable and strongAnd generally in better formNow I just need to stay on trackHead downBum up And keep on going