I thought the day would never end
It started out fine although I skipped breakfast
We went for a walk through Barna Woods and down to Silverstrand Beach where we sat in the sun for ages
We came home and just sat around chatting
Evening came and it was time for dinner
We brought a table outside and my brother and his girlfriend made a lovely dinner of pork stir fry
I had been psyching myself up all day for this meal
I really wanted to eat with the others and keep it down
I carried my food out to the table and settled on a cushion
Noticing there was no salt and pepper I went back in to the kitchen to get some
It was a salt grinder and I held it over my food and twisted the top
I didn't notice at first but I was actually twisting the whole lid
I had just realised what I was doing when the whole lid came off and dumped the full container of salt all over my lovely dinner
It didn't help matters that this was Californian sea salt that had been a present from my brother's friend
Some sort of noise came out of me, like a sharp intake of breath
Everyone went silent for what seemed like eternity
'There's always one' my brother said
I snapped out of staring at the salt and took my plate inside
I scraped most of the salt off but the meal was ruined
All of a sudden I could feel tears behind my eyes
Knowing what was coming next, I left the plate and run upstairs
Cue mini meltdown
The tears came hot and fast
I couldn't catch my breath and started making noises like a donkey
I felt like I couldn't breath and realised I was having a panic attack
I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn't get any air in to my lungs
Mu mother came up and tried to calm me down but I couldn't
The more I couldn't breath the more I panicked
My brother's girlfriend then came up and sat with me
She said 'Don't worry Ruby, it was just salt'
And I know it was just salt but that wasn't the real reason I was crying
I realised later the real reason for my drama queen antics
I had been trying so hard
So fucking hard to be normal
To eat with others
To eat proper food
And to keep it down
Every meal was a battle
I was determined that I was going to eat this meal and not purge
And then I managed to fuck it up despite my efforts
I didn't need my ED to ruin it
I could do that all on my own
When the salt landed all over my dinner, I just thought feck this, why do I even bother?
All these feelings and emotions had been building up all week
And I didn't have an appointment with Mary this week
I don't want to be talking about my ED with family all the time because it's boring for them listening to me prattle on about food and weight
That's the other thing, my weight
I've been without my scale since Monday and I have no idea what weight I am
It's driving me nuts not knowing
I feel like a pressure cooker and all these feelings are boiling over
It's so tempting to go running in to the arms of my ED
Where everything is safe
Where there are no messy feelings
Where I'm in control
But in reality I know that it's an illusion
A trick
It's still tempting though
Even an illusion is better than what I'm feeling now
My brother and my mother spoke to me last night
They said that I am too hard on myself
That's true, I am
And I seem to be hyper sensitive
To the point that I find it really difficult to be around people
I just retreat in to my shell like a frightened turtle
I almost apologize for existing
I've been in the shelter of my ED for so long that I forget how to just be me
How to have fun (because anorexia doesn't allow fun)
How to laugh
How to forget my worries and just be me
I feel like I am behind a pane of glass looking in at the world
I can see and hear everything but I am on the outside looking in
I need to smash that glass
Break through
Break out of this prison I'm in
The urge to restrict is huge
I binged and purged last night because I just needed some relief
But it doesn't seem to work as well any more
I'm so torn
I don't know which way is up any more
Which way to go
If this is what recovery is then I don't want it
Not today anyway
