I keep being told that I look well
I look healthy
I have improved a lot
I smile and say thank you
I try to take them in the spirit in which they are intended
But I am struggling to accept the compliments
It's hard to hear something positive about myself
When you're sick and underweight people don't comment about your apprearance
People don't know what to say
So they say nothing
I have no idea what my weight is
I am just going by my clothes
They fit the same the last month so I presume that my weight is stable
I know that weight re- gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
But that doesn't make it easy
It's not fun
It's not pretty
It's uncomfortable
It's new
And scary
I don't feel like myself
I feel awkward and cumbersome
Like I engulf anyone that I stand beside
But I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway
In order to make this process a bit easier I need to acknowledge the positives
Of course first and foremost is my mental health
I feel a lot better able to cope with life
My thinking is clearer
My thoughts are not so negative
I can make decisions easier
My mood has drastically improved
I generally feel more positive and hopeful
I can't tell you how much that this means to me
To not feel like I want to die
To opt out of life
I feel like myself for the first time in years
It's a feels like a miracle
My physical health has also improved
I feel stronger
More capable
I used to get so dizzy every time I stood up
I had to grab a wall or a chair
I felt so weak all the time
Everything was an effort
A simple thing like walking up the stairs is now much easier
I can walk my dogs for longer now
I don't need to nap as much
My body seems to be working again
Digestion has improved
My period is back
My hair and skin and nails are a lot healthier
I remember I used to be so tired all the time
I hadn't the energy or the inclination to do anything
People have commented that my eyes look a lot brighter
That I have a glow about me
It's so new to feel and look healthy
I used to be so drawn and pale
I looked sick and I felt sick
But it got to the point when I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
Feeling mentally and physically compromised really take it's toll
Another knock on effect is that my anxiety has improved
I feel much more able to deal with life
I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost
I feel like I have a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
That makes life so much easier and happier
My perception of myself has also changed
I used to be convinced that I was a bas person
That I had nothing to offer
That I was a burden and nothing more
Now I can see that I have value
I do have something to say
And maybe my experiences can help some one else
I also feel like an adult woman now
I used to look and feel like a child
And I had no interest in growing up
That was just too much
Another positive is that my relationship with food has improved
It is by no means perfect
I still purge
I still have to resist the temptation to restrict
But I have relaxed around food
I'm not great at eating meals
And when do I most always purge
So in alot of ways I am still very eating disordered
And my behavior around food is not normal
But as I always say baby steps all the way
My relationships have also improved
Because I am no longer so under weight
My family don't have to worry as much
And that in turn makes things easier
I have found that my sense of humor is always there
Without it I would have gone nuts a long time ago
I see my friends now
And that is a huge positive
I just feel alive again
Like I am now living instead of merely existing
Now I have a chance of living a normal and healthy life
And for me that is just the best thing
I feel like me again
So there are positives to weight re gain
I just have to keep reminding myself of them
Can you think of anymore?
