Community Magazine

The Middle Wife

By Gran13

In quite a few of my posts I have mentioned that laughter is the best medicine: well, I simply could not resist posting the following which has nothing to do with my regular subjects. Read on:

THE MIDDLE WIFE  by an anonymous English Teacher

I have been teaching for fifteen years and have two children of my own. The best birth story I have ever heard occurred in my own grade two classroom.

When I was a child, I loved to ‘show and tell,’ so always have a few of these sessions with my students, which helps them cope with their shyness. They bring in pet turtles, model airplanes or pictures of fish they catch. I don’t place boundaries or limitations on them.

One day, a bright and outgoing kid took her turn and waddled up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her jumper, holding up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is my baby brother,’ she announced ‘and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First mom and dad made him as a symbol of their love. Then Dad put a seed in mom’s stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. (umbilical cord)

This little girl stood up there in front of the whole class with her hands on the pillow and I tried hard not to laugh, all the while wishing I had a video camera with me. The children in the class watched her, spellbound.

She continued; ‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom started saying ‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ With this, the child put a hand behind her back and groaned. “Mom walked around the house for, like an hour, saying; ‘Oh, oh, oh.’ The little girl was doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. ‘Do you know what my dad did? He called the Middle Wife (midwife) who delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on her car like the Domino Pizza man has.  She got mom to lie down in bed like this’ – and the child lay down with her back against the wall.

 ‘Then, we heard a POP sound. Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case the baby got thirsty and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed like this – psshhheew!  (Now the little girl had her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away.)

‘Then the Middle Wife starts saying ‘push, push and breathe, breathe.’ They started counting but never even got past ten. All of a sudden, out came my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from mom’s play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there!’  

Then this plucky little girl stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I am sure that I applauded the loudest as it was an amazing performance. Ever since that day, I take a camera to class in case another Middle Wife story comes my way.


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