The Meds Situation

As you knowI've been struggling to take my meds properlyI misuse them about 5 days out of 7And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it Because I need to get my stuff together If I want to start my course in SeptemberBut not just that If I want to be truly clean and sobetAnd if I want to lead any semblance of a normal lifeSo it's decided I'm going to tell my doctor on MondayI'm going to bite the bulletAnd come clean
I can't go on like thisSpending my days face downCross leggedMy head balancing on the top of my tea cupSpilling endless drinksWorrying my sister and motherDriving whilst drowsyGoing to meetings while drowsyAnd that feels so wrong to meGoing to meetings While under the influenceIt doesn't sit right with me
As with a lot of decisions I makeI think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons listTo sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours And the negatives that effect my lifeOf course the pros of this behaviour Are that I can check out of realityAnd literally get out of my own headThis baffles me someAs my reality is not that badBut it's been a pattern of mine over the yearsWhether it's alcoholDrugsFood ShoppingEscaping life has always been part of my life
I guess I have it easy right nowI live in my family homeI don't have huge rent or a mortgage to payAnd money I get is mine to spend as I see fitAfter I contribute to weekly shopping and billsAnd also My meds cost very little each monthSo I don't have to worry about that either
Prescription drugs are trickyBecause it's not like I'm taking an illicit drugThese meds are prescribed for meAnd I am meant to take themI'm not doing anything wrong when I take themThey are legitimate medical conditionsBut the thing isMy meds have not been reviewed in yearsI was speaking to someone at a meeting one dayAbout anxietyIt turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety medsExcept for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per dayAnd this was a big six foot guySurely that can't be right
Over the years My meds have accumulatedEspecially during hospital staysWhen meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basisTrying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside outAnd of course So now they I am getting well from homeI probably don't need to be on as much medicationAnd I don't speak up about thatBecause it suits me to have a lot of medicationBecause I am an addictAnd a greedy one at that
I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situationI don't want to let him down  And I know I've manipulated him over the years It's not fairAnd it's not rightPart of me is hoping he will increase my methadoneBut that's the addict in me againRearing its ugly head
I really appreciate all your support during thisApologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days Normal service resumes today