Community Magazine

The Jockey

By Rubytuesday
I was listening to the radio the other dayThere was a jockey being interviewed He had just raced in the Grand NationalFor anyone that doesn't knowThe Grand National is a horse race that happens every yearIt's very prestigious And also very dangerousAs there are so many horsesThere are often many casualtiesAnywayThis jockey was speakingThe interviewer was femaleAnd I was wondering if she was going to ask him about his weight As that would be the first question I asked himAnd she didShe asked him what his competing weight wasHe told her that he was 5'10And weight a certain weightI quickly worked out my weight in comparison to hisAnd came to the conclusion that he weighed less than me for his height
This really disturbed meThe thought that I weighed more than a manI know that jockeys are like boxersIn that they strictly control their weight for competingAnd they are probably not the healthiest people in the world But stillI couldn't get the though out of my Head
I guess you could say that this massively triggered meI have been struggling with restriction anywayAnd this has just added fuel to the fireI'm going long periods of time without eatingAnd getting a great kick out of having an empty bellySeeing the numbers on the scale go down is also addictive
I badly need to reign myself inMy behaviours are all over the placeI'm seeing Mary next weekAnd I guess that is playing on my mind tooI know she will weigh meAnd I am dreading itI guess sometimes I still feel the need to live up or down to the label of anorectic Plus I hate being weighed I hate knowing my own weightAnd more than thatI hate anyone else knowing my weightTo me it is such a personal thingSo to have an audience is beyond difficultI wish the professionals wouldn't be so reliant on what the scale saysI meanCan't they go by what I tell them?Or how I present?We are told do often that weight doesn't matter when it comes to EDsBut clearly it doesBecause otherwise we wouldn't be weighed so muchFor the first few years of my EDI never weighed myselfIt never even occurred to meIt wasn't until the professionals started weighing me that the number started to matterIt seemed important to themSo it became important to me
I've gained weight since I last saw MaryThat it is no secretI realize that I am a healthy weightWith a BMI of 20But stillI am worried about what she will think of meEven though rationally I know she will be nothing but happy for meI'm still worried 
I can feel that I've lost weightI can feel it in my stomachAnd I can see it in my legsGod forgive me for enjoying thatThe scale is my friend nowBecause the numbers are going downFor so long they went the other wayAnd the scale was my nemesis But I wish it didn't matter either way

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