The Full Feeling

My father saw an article in the paper about a 19 year old girl who died from anorexia/bulimia
She was purging so much that she dropped dead while watching tv
Her heart just stopped
Only 19 years old
The article didn't give much information but it did say that she had been struggling with her eating disorder since she was 13
I think my father got a bit of a shock as he has been on my case ever since
Asking me to get my electrolytes checked
To start eating regularly
I have had hospital admissions in the past due to electrolyte imbalance
It's so dangerous
So today he took it upon himself to make me dinner
A smaller portion of what he had
A lamb chop, mushrooms and potato
He asked me to sit at the table and eat with him
I never do this
I usually eat on my own and prefer it that way
But just to appease him I did eat at the table
Then he asked me to stay for a while after eating
In otherwords 'Please don't go and throw your guts up Ruby'
I agreed and to take my mind off the food in my stomach I am writing this post
I swear I don't know how people do this every day
3 times a day
How can they tolerate this horrible full feeling
I know I can't
It's feels so abnormal
So foreign
So wrong
What is wrong with me that I can't even deal with this
I know that my stomach has probably shrunk so it's bound to feel uncomfortable
It's not even the fear of weight gain
Realistically I know that one meal will not make me gain 10 pounds
It's just the full feeling that I hate
I've never been worried about calories
It's the volume of food that's my problem
I would much rather eat a chocolate bar than eat a plate of vegetables
Because I can't feel the chocolate
But the veg would make me feel full
I know that if I want to get well, this is the kind of thing I need to get used to
And it will prevent binging which in return will lessen the purging
But why is it so freakin' hard
My father commented on my weight to
Said I looked thinner
I have mixed feelings about that
The ED part of my brain is congratulating me
But the part that wants to recover is disappointed
I think I am now at the BMI where Mary has to stop seeing me
But I'm not seeing her until next week so I have a week to gain a little
My brother is a writer and his new book lunch is this weekend in Galway
Cue 4 days of family lunches and dinners
I want to go but I am slightly dreading it
People are going to see that I've lost weight and look at me with pity in their eyes
I hate that look
They will tell me to take care of myself
But it's futile to say that in the face of this illness
It just doesn't work
To be honest that article scared me a bit too
When it comes to my ED I always think 'Oh that will never happen to me'
But it could
It could so easily happen to me
To any one of us
I don't why but death doesn't always scare me
Life scares me more
But it's not just about me
I have a family who would be heartbroken anything happened to me
How do you come back from something like that?
Apologies for this disjointed post but I have to something to take my mind off this feeling in my stomach
I haven't had food in my stomach for this long in a long time
I don't think it quite knows what to do with it
Any advice on how to deal with the full feeling greatly appreciated