The Fat Feeling

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was kind of dreading today's appointment as I knew I would be weighed
You would think that being weighed so much that it would get easier
But it doesn't
If anything it gets harder and harder
I walked in to her room and saw the black and white scales in the corner of the room
'Have you been weighing yourself?' She asks me
'No'
'Why not?'
'I'm afraid that I've gained a lot'
'Well let's see shall we'
I thought about just flat refusing to stand on the scale
I thought about stamping my foot like a 2 year old and saying-
'No I won't do it and you can't make me'
But instead I was a good little recovering anorectic and obediently took my jacket and shoes off
Mary tapped the scale and I waited for it to go to zero
I held my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I didn't look
I couldn't bring myself to
'How much do you think you've gained' She asks
'About 2 or 3 kilos' I replied
In actual fact I hadn't gained a thing
Go figure
This continues to baffle me
How I can be so sure
So positive that I've gained weight
So sure that I would bet my life on it
And when I stand on the scales there is no change
Why is this?
I mean I know it's part of the disorder
I know it's part and parcel of living with an eating disorder
But I fall for the fat feeling every time
My weight seems to be evening out now
It's been the same for about 3 weeks
I'm not 100% comfortable with it
But I am getting there
I'm ok with my weight staying as it is now
But any higher and I will not be happy
I can cope with this size
I can still fit in to my clothes
Albeit they are a bit tighter and that takes some getting used to
They're not too small
I was just so used to everything being baggy on me that fitted clothes now feel strange
Mary asked me if I am body checking
I suppose I am
I always zone in on the parts of my body that I don't like
My tummy
My thighs
My boobs have gotten a lot bigger since I've gained weight and that is very strange
I'm  not quite sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing
That is the cruel thing about this illness
We never get to enjoy our thinness because we never believe that we are thin enough
That seems pretty unfair to me
Anorexia is a thankless job
There is very little pay off for all the hard work that goes in to it
There's comes a point when you are putting all this energy in your ED
But you're getting very little in return
This is when I started questioning it
I told Mary that I feel like recovery is happening to me
Almost in spite of me
A lot of the time I don't feel like a willing participant
It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not in control of what is happening
Mary said that of course I was in control
That recovery does not just happen
It was a good session with Mary
These sessions are precious now as she is leaving September 1st
I feel so lucky that I had the chance to work with her
She came in to my life exactly when I needed her
And it's so good that things are going well now
And she gets to see that
It was only 3 short months ago that I sat in her office crying my heart out because I had overdosed and wanted to do it again
That seems like a life time ago now
And I am aware that if I don't keep things together that I could be back there very easily
Being on my own the past couple of weeks has shown me that I can slip back very quickly
They say that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching
I haven't had much integrity recently
When I am left to my own devices I press the big self destruct button
I can't help myself
Exhibit A: I am not supposed to smoke in the living room which is a reasonable request
However this week, because there is no one else here, I have been smoking in there
And now I feel really crappy for doing this
Exhibit B: The never ending medication saga
Again because there was no one else here I misused my meds
And again I feel really guilty for doing so
I guess that's a good thing that I feel bad about it
I guess that means that I have a conscience
I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
But I tend to sabotage things for myself
Why?
God only knows
Now I have to tackle food again
I am not eating meals at all
I am just snacking all the time
A biscuit here
A cracker there
There is no routine
No consistency
I'm not really enjoying food at the moment
And I want to
Food is meant to be enjoyed
With all this said, I was wondering about you
Do you experience the fat feeling?
How do you deal with it?
Do you think that body checking is a help or a hindrance?