Community Magazine

The Experiment

By Rubytuesday
I seem to be going through a rather strange phase at the moment
Things are a bit all over the place over here in ED land
One minute I am absolutely hating my body
Hating the lumps and bumps
And curves and shapes
The next minute I really like by new body
Me new bum
My chest
And this changes from one moment to the next
I can't seem to decide if I like my body or not
It's the same with recovery
One minute I am kicking anorexia's ass
And feeling so powerful and strong
The next minute my head is in the toilet bowl
And with life in general
Sometimes I feel so positive about the future
I feel like there is a fulfilling life for me
But then sometimes I feel like I have no future
That I've messed up so badly that there is no going back
I really do feel like an emotional yo-yo
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
There doesn't seem to be an in between with me
It's one or the other
Black or white
All or nothing
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so impulsive
And so easily influenced
If I see a photo of a skinny girl
I immediately want to be like her
But then minutes later I might read something about recovery
And I'll be all fired up with positivity
There's no middle ground
I've had quite a lot of back lash from weighing yesterday
It's been hard to eat today
And I really pushed myself with exercise
So much so that I slept or 3 hours this afternoon
I was just so tired
As you know I started swimming again recently
For the first few times it was lovely
So relaxing
But then I started counting my lengths
And tried to beat that number every time I went
This is where it stops being enjoyable
And starts becoming a competition with myself
I know that I am on a slippery slope at the moment
I know that my ED is  waiting with open arms
I also know that it's ridiculous to assume that I will 100% motivated
Every minute of every day
I know that it comes and goes
Some days it's there
Somedays it's MIA
I need to make a decision
One way or the other
And stick to it
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I told myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months
And if it didn't work out
I could always go back
My ED will always be there
But recovery might not
So I need to treat it like an experiment
Try recovery
See what the results are
Then make an informed decision
This limbo of being somewhere in between is doing my head in
I'm neither here nor there
I 'm in a wishy washy no man's land
Pulled in two different directions
It's time to pick a side
And get on with the rest of my life
So the experiment starts today
I mean the real recovery starts here
Not the half assed
Can't make up my silly mind recovery that I have been practicing
It's time to get serious
To give it 100%
I will never get to where I want to go if I half ass it
It's time to go full pelt
To take it day by day
Meal by meal
This means no purging
No over exercising
No restricting
I need to get my s**t together
It's time
The experiment starts here

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