Sam writes:
“RL: …demanding that I shit in her mouth…”
Sam: I don’t understand this at all. I have no clue. Blank. How this can in any way be pleasurable I can not fathom. The only thing I can think of is the girl is mentally ill and wants to be abused. Why girls want this, I don’t know. It may be possible that it’s a remnant from the ancient past. When villages were attacked in cave man times the Men were all killed. It would make sense that only the Women who could become completely submissive could survive. Any trouble and they were killed. So maybe a psychological defense for abuse survived in those Women whose relatives were all killed but them.
She definitely was into being abused. That was what she was all about. She wanted me to do all sorts of crazy and kinky things to her which you folks really do not need to know about. I agreed to most of them. I take requests you know. I played the role she wanted me to play like an actor in movie playing a character. I wasn’t taking it seriously. It was like a great big game, which is all sex is to me anyway.
Except I won’t shit in a chick’s mouth. Not yet anyway. I hope I am strong enough to never do that. Personally, I do not think any self-respecting man should ever do anything like that to any woman ever, for any reason.
A man who does that – I don’t want to call him a loser. He’s disreputable. Sinking. He’s turned himself into whale shit, and that’s at the bottom of the ocean. Something essential inside of him has died.
I think if I ever did an awful act like that, I fear that a very important part of me might die, perhaps that last Gnostic flickering dim light of humanism left in my corroded heart, the flickering match among the ruins, might wink out one last time, I would go black, blank and lost, and the night would last forever.
If I ever descend so low as to do something like that, honestly I hope I just kill myself. Seriously. Because then I would be a monster, and ghouls must not walk among men.
A man should retain some dignity in life if only so he can sleep well at night, and I sleep very well, thank you.
I have to look at myself in the mirror too, you know.
I won’t go into details, but a few times I violated my own moral code so badly that I couldn’t look in the mirror for a dozen weeks afterwards. Every time I looked at that glass I saw this ugly monster glaring back at me, and I would swell up with bubbling rage, so badly did I want to kill that man in the glass. It was all I could do to keep from actually hitting the glass.
I was also suicidal. On those same few occasions when I have morally abased myself by my own standards, I wanted to die for weeks afterwards. Just to it. Get it over with, dammit. Smash the mirror, kill the ugly mirror-man hiding in the glass, then off the trembling sack of bones while you are at it for a double play and a home run at the same time.
Adhering to a moral code is important for my self-esteem, and I doubt if I am the only one. It is so much easier to like yourself if you think you are basically a good person.
And it might be nice to get to ~80 without looking back on your life, wincing, cringing and plunging your head into your cupped hands.
Back to the crazy girl. After that scene, we did some really perverted, kinky, twisted and crazy stuff at her request, and I got into it a bit, but it was more stage acting than mining a part of myself.
Yes, she was full-on submissive, into being abused. She told me that she wanted to be some sort of a submissive sex slave for a dominant master, preferably a great big mean Black guy.
The sex scene continued off down the hallway and into the bathroom – you will have to use your imagination here. In the bathroom, knees on the floor, hysterical with crazed lust, she suddenly blurted out, “I want to be branded!”
Branded! Huh? Yeah that’s right. She wanted to be branded with a hot branding iron like a cow. Nuts. What kind of a human wants to be branded like a cow with a hot metal branding iron? I don’t get it.
I do not think I could brand a woman. That is too over the edge. Once a man starts branding women with hot irons, he should check himself into the nearest prison to protect society from his own black heart. Monsters and men must walk apart.
I can’t inflict much pain on women during sex, even when they are masochistic and actually request it. It doesn’t do anything for me, and it feels weird to be making another human suffer physical pain like that. You’re actually torturing another human being you know.
I had this girlfriend once who was a masochistic submissive, totally into pain. She was also the world’s biggest fag hag, and she had this whole circle of twisted gay male masochistic pain freak friends. She would regale me with stories of her gay best friends. Making an inch or two with her fingers, she would recount, mesmerized, “He’s not satisfied until the welts are this big!” Her eyes would go huge and wild, and she would circle her head around when she recounted these tales, staring straight ahead with a frozen hypnotized deer in the headlights expression.
I would shake my head, act disgusted and say, “Quit talking about your crazy fag friends. These guys are sick fuck fags, and hearing about them makes me want to puke!”
This crazy woman wanted me to squeeze her nipples during sex. Hard. Real hard. I mean real hard! Then she would writhe and collapse onto her stomach, moaning in pain, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I would look up dazed and shake my head around, eyes batting confused while I thought, “What the Hell is wrong with this flipped out bitch? Why the God’s name am I doing this anyway? It feels so weird to hurt someone like this. It doesn’t even really feel good.”
I didn’t even particularly enjoy it, and I chalked it up to not being much of a sexual sadist. I felt like a maniac, and it felt more creepy, disturbing and frightening than anything else.
