Monday
Beard Face’s search for a new job continues to be concerning. He’s moved on from admin vacancies and is directing his attention to the more obscure posts such as lion tamer, Elvis impersonator and gigolo. I’ve started taking bets on what role he will end up with. The current favorite is scarecrow.
Tuesday
Beard Face was watching Top Gear today and Charlie got very excited at the sight of the Stig. He tried phoning, faxing, emailing and sending smoke signals to the BBC to enquire about the Stig’s availability and whether he had any knowledge of driving tanks. Thankfully, this was one controversy that the BBC opted to steer clear of.
This is how Beard Face pictures himself running!
Wednesday
Triple firing on The Apprentice. What classic viewing it was as well. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were appalled at the injustice of the first candidate getting the boot, slightly less annoyed when the second went, but by the time the third went their relief was palpable. For Charlie the excitement was too much. He passed out when the words, “You’re fired!” sounded for the third time. Don’t tell him Lord Sugar said it twice more.
Thursday
There was a lot of talk about the EU today. Buggles expressed his concern about the UK being severed from the rest of Europe if we decide to leave the EU. This initially seems a very logical statement from such a dimwit, but what I didn’t point out was that Buggles believes the UK and Europe are currently one big land mass and that if we leave the EU the powers that be will cut us away with a giant pair of scissors. Don’t say anything!
Friday
I was out early this morning to observe one of Beard Face’s runs. He always professes to be something of an expert at running but his technique is very peculiar. He runs about 10 metres, squawks like a bird, bends his knees, flexes his muscles, says “Oh darling, my nipples are cold” before resuming the next 10 metres and repeating the cycle. Passers-by tended to turn and run away from the lunatic.
Saturday
Beard Face was suitably arrogant today. Barnsley won 1-0 at Sheffield United and he hasn’t stopped talking about it since. “Tykes Blunt the Blades,” he has told me 45 times in the last three hours. He would have gone for no. 46 but I managed to silence him with a pizza shaped like a bottle of Jack Daniels. Knowing how to tame a beast is essential if you’re to survive in this world.
Sunday
More sport today and Beard Face was performing some strange dance moves while doing the ironing and waiting for updates on the latest race in the Formula 1 season. A Brit named Lewis Hamilton won the race but given the magnitude of the old boy’s celebrations, the groin thrusts in particular, you’d think it had been him. If they start racing with cars designed for three year old then maybe the old boy has a future in racing.
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