Monday
Beard Face stepped up his job search today. He’s applying for everything from office worker to deluxe toilet cleaner. If anyone out there has any vacancies for the blubber monster then please let me know at your earliest convenience. He has cleaning capabilities and can floor an old lady with a fierce left hook if she has the audacity to ask him to share a pizza with her. Any takers?
Tuesday
Frizzy Hair continues to enjoy a game on her phone that involves visiting various locations yourself on foot and then claiming them on your phone. They’re called “portals” or something and the Frizz has been proper hyper in recent weeks as she claims everything from monuments to pubs. Clearly being married to Beard Face has brought out the best in her.
The dog Beard Face and Frizzy Hair walked wasn’t this obedient, but at least Beardy didn’t eat it!
Wednesday
The Apprentice was something of a let down today. One woman just gave up and was fired, leaving Lord Sugar to decide between another three candidates for the chop. He got rid of a market trader that couldn’t trade in London but can in Peterborough. That argument is about as convincing as Beard Face’s claim that he can run faster than Usain Bolt if they both raced on a lake of molten lava.
Thursday
Beard Face had a few calls about jobs today. One was to work as a waitress but only on the condition that Beardy donned a short skirt and went by the name of “Samantha” whenever it was his shift. A second call was from the local council asking if the old boy could plug some leaks in the canal using his protruding beer gut and wobbly bottom. Sadly, Beard Face declined these job offers. He considered them beneath him. He’s more insane than I thought. The only thing beneath Beard Face is his feet.
Friday
It was the birthday of Beard Face’s mom today. His idea for a present was to show his mother that he had just about stopped using the potty despite now being in his early thirties. Thankfully Frizzy Hair opted for a purchased present rather than one her prat of a husband had conjured up from within. The evening went swimmingly though myself and the other cats failed to get our claws on any of the takeaway save a bit of duck I managed to steal out of the bin later on.
Saturday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out of the house most of day looking after a dog named Miles. It was, by all accounts, something of a miraculous day. Beard Face didn’t eat the dog and even more remarkable was that his beloved Barnsley FC didn’t lose their afternoon game. Strange powers were clearly at work here so I skulked away into the spare room for most of the day and began to wonder whether the world was coming to an end.
Sunday
A quieter day in the house today. There was some commotion later on though with Charlie and Buggles watching the Man Utd vs Chelsea game. At the end Buggles bellowed, “Utd have scored! Persil Van has snatched a point for them.” Naturally, I was intrigued by the idea of a washing powder van scoring for Man Utd. It turned out that Robin Van Persie, not Persil Van, was the player grabbing the headlines. Once again, Buggles’ weak grasp on reality was clearly evident.
0
