The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #33

A new week, a new government, same old Beard Face. Today he announced to Frizzy Hair that she has her six cats so now he wants to get six pets of his own. Pets! Really? How insulting. Frizzy Hair was none too impressed either and after giving the old boy a right royal rollicking, they both calmed down and discussed future acquisitions. Six cats in one house is a lot you know, so the frizz was curious about what other pets the beard had in mind. His suggestion? Llamas and lots of them. Beard Face's preference was for pink llamas and ones that were coloured like an array of national flags. Thankfully, Frizzy Hair dismissed the llama suggestion which is great news all round but not for Buggles who'd already ordered a llama saddle off Amazon. A strange day by all accounts.

Tuesday

Beard Face has been watching a documentary about a 70s group called Big Star, critically acclaimed but never more than a cult phenomenon. It was a sad story. The worst thing about it was that Beard Face was suddenly inspired to try his hand at music. He grabbed a knife and fork and started banging them together while simultaneously singing, "Oh baby! Yeah, won't you buy me a bevvy. I mean an alcoholic bevvy, not a soft drink bevvy, yeah. Oh baby! You're making me crazy. I don't know why. I don't know why. No, really, I don't know why, you just kinda do or maybe it's those pills I took earlier, yeah, took earlier. The ones you said would be good for my back and they were but you didn't warn me about the orange dragons and the floor being on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor. Rock it baby!" I think the likes of Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney and John Lennon will be most intimidated by this up and coming song writing rival.

Wednesday

Beard Face was back on with the documentaries today. He tuned into one about the life of American film critic Roger Ebert. As usual, the old boy wasn't content with just watching the documentary. He decided that he'd like to have a go at being a film critic himself. Beard Face reasoned that his opinion was valuable and that everyone would want to hear it, even pay for his thoughts. Have a look at some of his thoughts on Bambi and see if you agree: " Bambi is a thrill a minute Disney flick with a valuable lesson about not being shot and when you're hanging out with a rabbit called Thumper you know it's time to ease down on that dosage of LSD. The animals, supposedly animated, look just like the real thing and the ending leaves this one open to a sequel with Bambi and Thumper as sociopaths that like to rob banks. I give it 4 tits out of 5."

Thursday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair watched a documentary today about child obesity in the U.S. It was very interesting but at the same time horrifying to witness. The frizz, who watches what she eats, couldn't believe what she was seeing. She turned to her husband and asked for his take on it. Beard Face, pizza and burger in one hand, milkshake and bowl of ice cream in the other (he has big hands!) simply muttered the occasional word between mouthfuls. Amazingly, he doesn't put weight on but I suppose all that running he does helps there. The documentary was wasted on the beard though. He shrugged at the end and said, "When does Kevin Costner build that baseball stadium?" Wrong movie, beardy. How did you get them mixed up?

Friday

Frizzy Hair was singing one of her favourites today - "Cupid" by Sam Cooke. It's a classic from the sixties and she sang it very well I have to admit. Unfortunately, Beard Face then felt the need to gatecrash the melody with his own rendition which involved swapping Cupid for Stupid and then trying to make the song as rude as possible. Frizzy Hair handled the situation admirably. Having procured a new wok from town she gave it a test run by smashing the beard across the face with it. He still tried to sing but it came out as "Thupid" which sounded much better than his first attempt.

Saturday

Frizzy Hair put Beard Face in charge of the garden today and in the process entrusted him with the lawnmower. In fairness, he did a good job but his methods were worrying. Beard Face insisted on treating the lawn like someone who'd popped into the hairdressers. He frequently stopped, knelt down, stroked the blades of grass and said, "How'd you like it?", "This is so smooth and silky," and "I'll soon have this looking like a million dollars, sweetheart." I'm not sure the grass appreciated all the extra attention but the beard seemed to enjoy the myriad of intimate moments. One man and his lawn: a modern day love story?

Sunday

Frizzy Hair had an awful headache today so I insisted that the other kitties be on their best behaviour to help her. I wish I could say the same about Beard Face but it wasn't to be. He chose this of all days to start practising for the Annual Kitchen Appliance Orchestra Awards. Beardy got a pan which he hung from his neck with string before grabbing a knife and fork and banging them alternately against this household neck piece. The sound was terrifying and the frizz tolerated it for a good half hour before strangling her husband with the string around his neck. She did it long enough for him to pass out and left it at that. Shame.