The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #31

A new week and the hope of better things to come. Beard Face hasn't started work yet but all this talk of him not being in the house for most of the day is giving me shivers and I don't mean the eerie kind. It might take some time but gradually myself and the other cats will be able to work our magic and slowly convince Frizzy Hair that life is so much better when it's just her and us. Seriously, what use is a dimwit of a husband? What possible function could there be? Where Beard Face is concerned there simply is no argument in his favour.

Tuesday

Beard Face started the day watching an episode of Long Way Down where Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman hop on their motorbikes and head from the north of Scotland all the way down to South Africa. As with Long Way Round it made me wish Beard Face would go on a similar expedition. My luck seemed to change when he headed out at midday and didn't come back. My sheer excitement was beyond measure. I was crestfallen later in the day though when Frizzy Hair, having enjoyed a day without her dipshit of a husband, lamented the fact he'd be home tomorrow. So much for Long Way Down, more like Ridiculously Short Time Away.

Wednesday

Beard Face returned today and was clearly hungover. While tidying the house he started to freak out about being watched by Huckleberry Finn. Apparently Finn was in the back garden and shouting obscenities at Beard Face. Bizarre. Later on when doing a spot of cooking the lingering inebriation meant the beard mistook cauliflower for rice and some paint for low fat cream. Suffice to say the end product was not only inedible, it was soon confiscated by MI5 who believed it to be for the use of chemical warfare.

Thursday

Another blazing row between Beard Face an Frizzy Hair today. Beard Face was adamant that the colours of the Italian flag were green, white and gold. Frizzy Hair countered that the colours were green, blue and red. They debated this for a solid seven hours with the beard and the Frizz refusing to relent. The colours are actually green, white and red but I wasn't about to let either of them know that. Instead, I grabbed some cat treats, took a seat and enjoyed the show.

Friday

Frizzy Hair's turn to get drunk today. Bless her. The old girl has become a big fan of a drink known as Brewdog Punk. It sounds tougher than it actually is. Anyway, the Frizz was slurring her words, hailing Beard Face as the greatest man in history (a clear indication of inebriation!) and she even got to the point where snooker on TV was amusing her. A plethora of "balls" jokes were suggested and they were so bad that even Beard Face started to frown. It became essential to lure the Frizz to bed, not with amorous advances from the beard, but with promises of a Persons of Interest marathon on Netflix. It did the trick and sobriety soon followed. Thank goodness. Not as bad as when beardy is pissed but not far off.

Saturday

Drama all round today. A new Royal baby was born. The tension in the Brown household was incredible. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair went out to avoid the hysteria while Bilbo and Buggles were glued to the television. Bilbo was anxiously watching the hospital doors and windows for news of the baby, while Buggles looked to the skies for any sign of a stork delivering the new child. Eventually the news filtered through that a baby girl had been safely delivered. No word on the name just yet but Buggles and Bilbo are torn between Shirley and Chardonnay. It's better than Beard Face's suggestion of "Piss off" and "Leave me alone, you bloody cat!" Thank goodness Beard Face has chosen not to have kids.

Sunday

Beard Face tried to be romantic today. He took Frizzy Hair for a walk to a park he used to go to when he was a kid. On the way he made promises of many exciting things and the Frizz was understandably impressed. Upon reaching said park it turned out next to nothing Beard Face remembered being there actually was, not even the psychedelic merry go round that makes you feel like you've become a Smurf and prompts you to sing one of their very catching songs such as "Beer, beer, Smurfing beer" or "Pinocchio." The rest of the day was spent with Beard Face sulking and lamenting his childhood days, which sound a little depraved if you ask me.