The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #23

Crazy day with the weather today. Sunshine, snow, wind, rain and flatulence from Beard Face. It made for a tricky escape from the house to be honest. I had trouble timing my outings when the sun was out and consequently ended up drenched a couple of times. It wasn't all bad though. Beard Face put some laundry out and was nipping in and out frequently during the afternoon to try and keep it dry. I'd have just left it for another day.

Tuesday

Beard Face was watching Limitless today about a guy who pops a pill and can access 100% of his brain function. If the NHS could prescribe a pill that allows Beard Face to access 1% of his brain function then perhaps he might just improve significantly as a human being. At this moment in time he is a lost cause.

Wednesday

Beard Face's quest for a new job continues. Frizzy Hair finally snapped today, slapped him round the face and told him to try applying for jobs that he actually has a chance of getting. The old boy was suddenly struck by an epiphany (or a frying pan depending on your point of view) and hit upon the notion of going for the kind of work he's done before because that's where he has experience. You think! What a mind numbingly stupid, pathetic, contemptuous imbecile he is.

Thursday

Beard Face received a court order from the local council today. Apparently he's been caught on CCTV committing multiple crimes including jaywalking, fraud, seducing a traffic light, reading the Daily Mail and even attempting time travel in a built up area. This being Barnsley the old boy can either go to court and risk a prison sentence or pay a substantial fine of three turnips, one bottle of Dr Pepper and a bacon sandwich. Tough choice.

Friday

Beard Face continued his attempts to stop me scratching things today. He put annoying plastic sheeting on the stairs in the hope that it will deter me. He began with the bottom step so I moved up one. Beard Face tackled that one so I moved up another step. We still have at least half a dozen steps to go and not once has he thought of just protecting all the steps. Perhaps it will dawn on him when only one remains. Idiot.

Saturday

Beard Face has been somewhat strange today. He's started wearing his socks on his ears and his underpants on his head. To add to this bizarre behaviour he's also taken to singing Tears For Fears' Pale Shelter repeatedly. Picture this strange attire and imagine him singing, "You give me pale shelter. You give me cold hands. And I can't operate on this failure, when all I want to be is completely in command." I think he really needs a job before he drives the rest of us insane with his depraved hobbies.

Sunday

Beard Face was celebrating today. Barnsley FC have made it 5 wins in a row yesterday. Must be something strange in the water at Oakwell. Possibly of the glow in the dark variety. With his team actually doing well for a change the old boy has been pretty unbearable, stomping around the house chanting "You Reds!" and "Sledgehammer" in a very loud voice. I'm not sure what "Sledgehammer" has to do with Barnsley FC or indeed football but I wasn't going to stick around and ask questions. I made myself scarce and hid outside.