Entertainment Magazine

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #21

Posted on the 23 February 2015 by Donnambr @_mrs_b


Another week, another job search for Beard Face. Today he turned his focus to opening a ski resort here in Barnsley. He was inspired by footage of winter sports and some very impressive people breaking the ski jump world record. Beard Face contacted the local council and put forward proposals to turn our garden into the said ski resort. Given how small it is, the lack of a slope, the lack of snow and the beard’s lack of skiing knowledge, the local authority sensibly passed on the opportunity to fund this ridiculous venture.


Beard Face finished reading Shakespeare’s Hamlet today and immediately began reciting passages from the tragedy. I don’t think any of the lines he recited were actually accurate but that’s not a big surprise really. Examples such as “Toby or not Toby” and “I have a date, with whom I know not” were pretty embarrassing but the worst came towards the end of the day. Beard Face clutched a skull, not a real one but one you put money in that is wearing headphones, before he solemnly spoke, “Our lass, poor Porky, I knew your smell.”

Oscars 2015

Charlie believed all of these guys were heading his way during the Oscars ceremony. He would be left very disappointed.


Beard Face has been listening to A Game of Thrones and is becoming obsessed with it. When Frizzy Hair was making a bolognese the beard suddenly piped up with, “Cooking is just like A Game of Thrones. Everything always changes.” I’d just used the litter tray when he came out with “Fear cuts deeper than swords.” I just ignored him and continued with my day but poor Frizzy Hair eventually hurled a frying pan at his head and said, “A frying pan cuts deeper than swords, you moron.”


I’m stuck inside because of the bloody weather. It was glorious sunshine yesterday but today it’s gray and miserable. The sudden change in the weather caused great confusion in the household. Buggles began to cry and wondered whether the rain was the result of Betty White crying during a viewing of The Notebook. Charlie believed the arrival of rain is clearly a ruse for an impending siege against his fortress that exists only in his mind. We are yet to see any sign of the besiegers but in some respects I hope they do arrive just to shut Charlie up.


It was Love Your Pet Day today so Frizzy Hair refrained from making Beard Face lunch and cooked for myself and the other cats instead. We enjoyed some leftover chicken and suffice to say it was delicious. Beard Face had to make do with whatever he managed to scrape from under his armpits. It sounds disgusting and even cruel but he did find a doughnut under one armpit and half a pizza under the other so he didn’t too badly in the end.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair hit the alcohol this evening while viewing A Long Way Down. I didn’t stick around but it sounded like it would be something of an emotional roller coaster of a movie. The early signs were ominous with Beard Face making jokes about the title such as, “I wonder if it’s about a drive down to Southampton,” “I wonder if it’s about a drive down to Italy,” or “I wonder if it’s about someone driving to New Zealand.” Frizzy Hair resorted to knocking her idiotic husband out with a well-aimed strike from her laptop before enjoying the evening’s viewing. Beard Face remains unconscious and a part of me hopes that status update will remain unchanged.


It was Oscars night tonight so we all settled in to watch the ceremony. Charlie had a live feed set up so he could make multiple acceptance speeches. Although he hadn’t been nominated in any category he assured us that he would win all the awards including Best Actress for a unnamed movie that didn’t actually exist but given how open-minded the Academy is Charlie felt certain that this wouldn’t be a problem. He intended to be part of the first non-existent movie to sweep the Oscars board but sadly the Academy were boring and opted for movies that are real instead.

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