Monday
Beard Face continued the seemingly endless job search this week. He decided to interview for a position as a lap dancer this time. He dressed appropriately for the interview with a bra stuffed with bread rolls and even wore a blonde wig to really enhance the look. The worrying thing was the club’s owner, Mr Sleazy, who declined Beard Face for the gig, not down to his appearance, but down to his inability to dance in high heels. So near and yet so far for our hapless owner.
Tuesday
Charlie is excited about the football tonight. Apparently Barnsley FC are playing Fleetwood. Beard Face is predicting a 2-0 win, Charlie is predicting the Barnsley players will have to pit their wits against a fleet of ships, all made of wood of course, because Charlie is a simpleton and easily confused by words. I don’t want to go into the frenzy he was in when first encountering the town of Penistone. That one gave him nightmares. In the end it was a 2-1 defeat for Barnsley and a manager sacked the following day. Harsh.
This is what Beard Face looks like trying to converse with children. He struggles for about 10 minutes before trying the French Revolution as a starter topic.
Wednesday
The weather continues to be dry but cold. Beard Face came back from a run clutching his private area and informing us that he’d been outside so long that icicles had developed on his more tender regions. Poor Frizzy Hair had the unenviable task of removing these for the old boy. We all left the frozen icicle of snot hanging from his nose though. That one was just too funny to tell him about straight away.
Thursday
Frizzy Hair has been in hysterics watching celebrities taking part in The Great British Bake Off. Beard Face spent the entire episode admiring one of the women with purple hair and thick glasses. I was too polite to point out this was actually a man dressed as a woman. I know Beard Face wears glasses but that’s really no excuse for not being able to tell the difference between a woman and someone pretending to be a woman. As for Frizzy Hair, well, she laughed herself into unconsciousness and was used by Bilbo as a night long pillow.
Friday
Friday the 13th. A bad day of the year when bad things tend to happen. Beard Face woke up this morning so the day certainly lived up to its reputation. He’s been coughing in a pitiful manner for most of the day as well. He keeps claiming that he’s ill yet goes for a run and exacerbates the problem. As much as I’d like to tell him to take it easy and not make himself worse, I actually want him to get at least a little more ill. I’m not saying anything life threatening, not yet anyway, but at least something that leaves him bedridden.
Saturday
Beard Face has been cleaning the house with a vengeance today. He used pretty much every household appliance to get the job done. It was admirable for a time but became somewhat unnerving when I walked into the living room and found him trying to clean dirt off the wall not with a cloth or anything but by reciting a passage from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I’m not sure whether the piece of dirt appreciated the recital or not but it did nothing to make it budge. Six hours he spent doing this!
Sunday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out of the house for most of the day. They went to see Frizzy Hair’s mom and some other relatives including a two year old niece. Beard Face continued to demonstrate his utter incompetence when conversing with children. While the poor girl was trying to play with her toys the beard asked such questions as “Barnsley were shit last night, weren’t they?”, “Who are you voting for at the next General Election?” and “Have you seen the price of a pint of lager these days? Absolutely disgusting.”
