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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #19

Posted on the 09 February 2015 by Donnambr @_mrs_b

Monday 

Strange things were afoot today. Frizzy Hair’s mother came to visit and brought another cat with her. Said cat has been shut away upstairs and is clearly too good to fraternise with the rest of us. It wouldn’t be a problem but the rest of the cats would probably leave the poor thing traumatised so it’s probably best she stays where she is. Should make the week ahead interesting though.

Tuesday

Beard Face’s continued job search is starting to get very weird or very desperate. He walked into a DIY shop today and offered his services as a tool. “I’m a complete tool,” he said. “I am multi-functional. You can use me to hammer, to saw, to screw and to bang. Whatever you need I can do.” The shop’s owner was naturally horrified at this ambiguous offer and could only consider Beard Face for the position of makeshift shelf. The beard turned it down, citing the lack of career progression as shelves can only go so high.

Tools

Beard Face is officially in the Oxford English Dictionary as an alternative definition of tool

Wednesday

Gorgeous day today so I decided to spend the bulk of my time outside the house. Anywhere away from Beard Face is an idyll paradise. I found a tree and spent a couple of hours watching two local cats – Phyllis and Snotty Simon – having an argument about the levels of unemployment in the UK. What employment has to do with them I do not know but I didn’t choose to get involved in the discussion. I opted to head home once these two morons had gone their separate ways.

Thursday

Another trip to the vets for Charlie today. Just a routine check-up but Charlie professed it to be the execution of his plan to assassinate all the staff and to burn down the building. I haven’t seen anything on the local news to this effect and given that Charlie didn’t leave the house with a shotgun and some matches, I think it’s safe to assume that he was just lying to us.

Friday

Beard Face was watching a film called Frank today. It was about an eccentric band whose singer always wears a giant fake head. It was an interesting little movie and gave me ideas. I’ve enlisted Charlie to begin work on a giant head for Beard Face. It will be human looking but with purple skin and green hair. Plastered across the forehead will be the words, “I’m a the cesspit of mankind and I’m proud of it.” I can’t wait for him to try it on.

Saturday

Beard Face has been running with great intensity today. By intensity I mean he has been puffing his cheeks, clenching his fists and even having head spasms. Impressive stuff but you should have seen what he was doing when he actually started the running bit!

Sunday

Beard Face was watching Oz the Great and Powerful today. The closest the old boy has ever been to great and powerful is when he’s on the toilet. Naturally, Charlie couldn’t help but tune into the movie for some tips on how to be a great ruler. He sat through about half an hour before dismissing Oz as a buffoon and spitting at the screen. Charlie instead opted for a movie with Steve McQueen in. A proper man, he told me.

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