Monday
Beard Face’s job hunt continued this week. Inspired by a recent trip to the vets (for Charlie, not for himself) the old boy has decided to work with animals. Specifically, he wants to specialise in testicles. The reason for this, he explained enthusiastically is, “I can handle bollocks all day. I can see bollocks, I can feel bollocks, I can taste bollocks, I can talk bollocks, I’d be all about the bollocks baby!” Clearly Beard Face has developed a fascination for animal testicles overnight or he’s suffered a breakdown.
Tuesday
Beard Face has started playing Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. He clocked up nearly 150 hours on the previous Elder Scrolls game so with any luck he’ll be lost for a similar amount of time with this one. It’s something of a blessing to know that we won’t have to deal with the old boy for the next few weeks. We will, however, have to endure his random outbursts such as “I’ve got an impressive sword,” and “Fire at me one more time and I’ll penetrate you.” I can’t wait.
Charlie wasn’t this cooperative during his visit, I can assure you of that!
Wednesday
Beard Face had a go at yoga today. It didn’t last. After 10 minutes he was in a heap on the floor, presumably unconscious while the yoga mat had decided to manifest itself and complete the session for him. Somehow exercise and Beard Face just don’t mix.
Thursday
Charlie was at the vets today for an operation. He insisted he was laying siege to Grimsby but the truth was he was having some teeth out. It was very quiet not having to listen to Charlie’s strategy meetings for battles that will never take place. When he returned Charlie was eating strange but insisted it was just down to battle fatigue after the successful capture of Grimsby. There was nothing on the local news about the town falling to a feline lunatic so I’m inclined to think Charlie has just been fibbing.
Friday
Charlie has been playing the hero today, talking about his war wounds and his military excellence. Apparently having some dental work done is akin to having a limb blown off in battle but still continuing the fight. I wish Charlie had been injured in battle to be honest, not seriously, but at least his pride could have taken a severe dent. It’s hard to reason with a sadistic maniac though.
Saturday
Beard Face was gleeful today as Barnsley celebrated a rare win with a 2-1 victory over Port Vale. Beard Face spent most of the match trying to figure out where Port Vale was and he only got as far as learning it wasn’t in Yorkshire. It’s actually in Staffordshire but I won’t throw big words like that around. It would only confuse my nitwit of an owner.
Sunday
I must say I enjoyed watching the tennis final today. Andy Murray was beaten 3-1 in sets and took it as well as Charlie did when Buggles spilt Vimto on one of his military maps. Apparently one of Charlie’s legions spent six weeks looking for purple landmarks! Speaking of Buggles, he was transfixed watching the tennis, his solitary eye following the movement of the ball and wondering how it was possible for it to move so fast. He wondered if it had anything to do with being hit by a tennis racquet but concluded that was just a coincidence.
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