Entertainment Magazine

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #15

Posted on the 12 January 2015 by Donnambr @_mrs_b


The New Year is in full swing now and Beard Face has upped the ante on his job search. His latest idea was to try his luck at carpet cleaning in the neighbourhood. Sounds reasonable enough but to convince customers of his qualifications, Beard Face invited himself into their homes and decided to urinate on their living room carpet before cleaning it up (and not very convincingly). I have seen many cleaning adverts but am yet to come across one where Mr Muscle gets his bits out.


Poor Frizzy Hair is continuing to edit Beard Face’s novel which is at least 600 pages. This sounds like a huge challenge for anyone but given the spelling, grammar and inconsistency errors throughout the tome it’s become something of a nightmare for the old girl. Errors include a Medieval setting having knights suddenly stop at a Burger King for a meal, some damsel in distress having only a minor headache after a sword is plunged through her forehead, and a very informal king turning to his queen and saying “Shall we leave the banquet, my dear, for I wish to watch Top Gear in my chamber.” Classy stuff.


This isn’t Judge Rinder!


This was a very embarrassing day. Beard Face has been watching a lot of films recently. He did this at the start of last year before his enthusiasm started to wilt. Today he delved into world cinema and began watching Blue is the Warmest Colour which is a drama about love between two young students in France. I should add that both students are female and that the film had some rather graphic sex scenes in it. Beard Face handled such moments with his usual aplomb. Such outbursts as “Boobies,” “More boobies” and “Not sure what that is” completely detracted from what was a great film.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair are on cloud 9 this week. One of their favorite programmes, Judge Rinder, is back on television. This is the British equivalent of Judge Judy except the judge is male though in some respects more feminine than his American counterpart. I do enjoy the show to be honest. Whenever I watch it though I can’t help but imagine Beard Face being up there in front of a judge and getting a dressing down. I never know what his offense would be though. There are so many possibilities.


It was a day of celebration today. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have completed the editing of the old boy’s novel. It was an epic and has caused them both a lot of stress along the way. Had Beard Face written a proper novel that made sense and wasn’t full of inconsistencies then this should have been a more straightforward process. Frizzy Hair celebrated with a well earned glass of port while the beard sat in the corner, rocking back and forth, saying “cheeseburgers.” I don’t know why. When you witness the bearded one behaving in such a manner it’s usually best to just leave the room.


It was a day of rest for Beard Face and Frizzy Hair today after all their editing shenanigans this week. Frizzy Hair had a productive day reading while the beard resorted to cleaning the house in his usual bizarre manner. He stripped naked and put on a pink apron before wandering the house with a feather duster and the hoover. Beard Face reasons he’s just giving all of his body a bit of air but I would prefer to interpret it as overexposure.


Beard Face is finally over his irritating cough. He’s been milking this so-called illness since before Christmas so it’s about time the charade came to an end. I can’t help but feel he’s getting this performance in just as the Oscars are looming in the distance. Someone should point out to the old boy that it takes more than feigning illness to bag an Academy Award. If it were so easy then the beard would have won more awards than Walt Disney by now.


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