Monday
As the year drew to a close Beard Face continued his hopeless search for a job. He’s given up on teaching having realised you actually have to do some work. Instead he’s now focused on ventures including inflatable things such as giant sharks that you can take in the ocean. He’s even talking about starting his own business involving inflatable dolls that people take to bed with them. I’m not sure what for but presumably just to have arguments with about what TV show to watch.
Tuesday
There’s still plenty of food and alcohol from after Christmas. This is remarkable given what a blubber monster Beard Face is. Frizzy Hair has helped him clear the goodies as best she can but no one has an appetite like the cousin of the Cookie Monster. He’s been pretty sparing with treats for the rest of us. We sniff around the food he and the Frizz tuck into but the old boy continues to spray us with water until we bugger off. Such a vicious little turd.
It’s a new year but little has changed in the Brown household…sadly.
Wednesday
The final day of 2014 was spent doing very little in the Brown household. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair enjoyed a few drinks while the rest of us just slept or sat on the floor licking ourselves. As midnight came round the fireworks in the neighbourhood started and it scared the hell out of us. By us I mean all the cats except Charlie. As soon as the noises began and the skies lit up, Charlie’s eyes widened and he bellowed, “Bring it on! The war is here at last.” After the fireworks subsided 20 minutes later Charlie was under the impression that his forces had conquered the world but reality set in for the would be Napoleon after an hour or so that nothing had actually changed. Happy 2015 you dimwit.
Thursday
The first day of the New Year and time to put those Resolutions into play. I made none so was very successful at keeping mine. Beard Face planned to be fitter, healthier and less of a dick head but thus far he has failed on all fronts. Frizzy Hair is doing much better in being fitter, healthier and more awesome than ever before. I hope 2015 is a better year for all of us and that maybe Beard Face will finally grow a pair in the next twelve months.
Friday
I’m not sure why or even how this happened but Beard Face dressed up as Elvis today and gave a very crap rendition of Always on my Mind. It was a combo of the King, Pet Shop Boys and the sound of a rodent with cheese wire tied around its testicles. I’d like to offer comparisons with contemporary artists but I honestly don’t think any are as bad as what the beard churned out on this day.
Saturday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were having a romantic walk home from town today when they heard a loud cheer in the distance. It was coming from Oakwell and Beard Face grinned inanely and started working some crazy dance moves by the side of the road. He was convinced that the huge cheer could only have come from the Barnsley faithful but on returning home he discovered it was just Middlesbrough scoring the first of two goals to secure a convincing win. New year, same old shit for the beard and his hopeless team.
Sunday
Today feels like the last day of the Christmas holidays before the daily grind of work resumes again tomorrow. It must be tough being a human. For me, I have the pressure of waking up, going out, eating and sleeping again. The thought of going back to that after a couple of weeks of doing exactly the same is really bothering me at the moment. I sometimes wish I could be human just to unburden myself of all this responsibility. You people have it far too easy.
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