The Build up to the Season....

We are having a quiet family Christmas this yearThe only person coming for dinner is my elderly neighbourAnd I doubt she will stay very longI thank my lucky stars, God and whoever else made this happen As I just couldn't cope with a big deal this ChristmasThere will be seven of us All of whom are aware of my situation and will cut me some slack if I need it
I have nothing done for ChristmasNot one present boughtWe are supposed to be putting up the decorations today But I would rather eat my own food This is not a good sign As I am usually chief decorator I just can't seem to summon the energy or the inclination But as ever I will put on a brave face And do my best to get in to the Christmas spirit Which reminds meI must do a Christmas survival kit post soon 
In other new The bingeing and purging seems to have ceased Praise the Lord!As I was beginning to lose the will to live over here It really is truly horrid to be stuck in the binge purge cycle The feeling of being wildly out of controlOf not being able to stop The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom The constant shopping and the waste of money on good food It's all just a nightmare I had been going since I was in CorkThere is something about being in someone else's house That makes me feel so out of controlAnd I feel I have to eat all the timeWhen I got homeI spent another three days on the merry-go-round And then yesterday All of a sudden It stopped in its tracksI dont know how or why Maybe I was burnt out Maybe my body had had enough Whatever the reasonI'm just glad it's over For now
I feel like a complete fraud at the moment A fraud in recovery A fraud being clean and soberA fraud in lifeBut then againI am also conscious not to be too hard on myself Because I know that's food for the disorderAnd that's the last thing I need
As I mentioned yesterday I am now the weight that I wanted to get toWhich is the weight I was before EDAnd was also my goal weight when I was in hospital Which puts me at a BMI of almost 20SoNow that I've lost weightDo I feel any happier?Any better?Am I now thin and pretty?Has my life improved in any great way?Am I more popular?More successful?Does weight loss make me a better person?Well I can categorically answer no to all those questionsIn reality The only thing that has changed Is that I take up less spaceAnd what good is that?The only other side effects I have experienced are dizziness, nausea, seeing stars and lightheadednessI think back to a few weeks agoWhen I was about 7 kilos heavier I was doing okI wasn't unhappy Ok some days i struggled with body imageBut I was getting on with my life I wasn't weighing myself And I felt pretty goodI know that I need to let go of the reignsThe controlAnd let my body beStop trying to mold myself in to what society deems beautifulI had reached a point where i liked  the curvy look more than the skinny lookI look at Cheryl Cole on the TV every week Her ever shrinking frameHer hollow cheek bonesHer eyes huge in her headAnd I feel nothing but sorry for herShe is not to be coveted or envied She is to be pitiedI was even beginning to like my thighsWhich I've always hatedYetI let my mind play tricks on meI went back to thinking that skinny was the way to goBut it doesn't suit meIt never hasI just look pale and wan and ill
SoThis is me I am struggling Even though logically and rationally I know what I am doing is not goodIt's still so very hard to stopAnd the time of year doesn't help eitherBut as everAnd like all the ladies here on bloggerI will keep fighingKeep hoping And most of all Keep believing.....