The Book Launch

It's Sunday morning here in Galway
We're heading home in a couple of hours
I have to admit I am relieved to be going home
These days I am not a social butterfly
More like an anti social caterpillar
The book launch was a huge success
And I am truly delighted for my brother
But this weekend was quite testing for me
4 days of lunches, drinks, dinners, family
I did as much as I could but I opted out of dinner a couple of times
The one thing that nearly drove me insane was having no weighing scale
For all I know I could've gained 5 pounds
The first thing I do when I get home will be to jump on my scale
Please be kind scale
Two people told me that I look really well
Any normal or sane person would be delighted to hear this
But not me
When I hear the words 'really well' all I can think of is that I must look healthy and in other words fat
The first night we were out of drinks and my uncle shouted across to me
'Ruby you look really well, a lot better than you did in Italy'
I didn't know what to say so I just looked at him trying not to explode
My other uncle said
'You can't give Ruby a compliment'
So in the end I just said 'Thank you'
At this point I must tell you that in Italy I weighed almost a stone heavier
I just don't know how I could look better
I was still wondering this the next day so when we were out for a walk I asked my uncle why he thought I looked better now
He didn't really give me an answer so I decided to file it under 'I don't give a crap' in the back of my head
Even though I was around family most of the weekend, I still found time to binge and purge
It's not the easiest thing in the world doing that in someone else's house
You could be interrupted at any time
So I chose my moments carefully and I don't think anyone was the wiser
Although my brother might notice some food missing
I guess I dealt with the whole weekend better than I thought I would
I always seem to find that the thoughts of something are worse than the actual event itself
What I did notice though was how shy I've become
Even around my own family
This is what happens when you spend most of your days alone
You forget how to interact with others
You forget how to laugh
My family spend a lot of time taking the piss out of each other and I even forget how to do that
They all seem so easy around each other and I feel a bit disconnected
Like I am behind glass looking in at them
I suppose being social is something you have to practise
The more you do it the easier it becomes
I think that's why I like blogging so much
I feel much better able to write than to speak
I am glad that I came though
I'm glad I pushed through that fear and the anxiety
As I said before my brother and his girlfriend have been a massive support tome over the years so I really wanted to do this
My brother and his girlfriend have been together for 20 years and she is like a sister to me
She told that she read some of my blog after I came out of hospital as she wanted to see how I was doing
I feel a bit weird about family reading this blog as I don't want them to worry
I try not to censor what I write and I'm sure some of it can be a bit shocking to see what is going on inside my head
So yea I'm glad I pushed myself and didn't let things stop me from coming
It was a good weekend even if bulimia did make an unwanted appearance
It was great to see my brother so happy
He deserves this
He has worked so hard
And it's great to have something to celebrate for a change
I'll post properly tomorrow
All my love x