Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologize but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
The Goonies (1985)
What happens?
A group of kids known as the Goonies hunt for the treasure of a famous pirate known as One-Eyed Willie.
Reason for bleaklisting?
Legendary pirates should not have names that leave me in fits of adolescent giggles.
What should have happened?
A group of kids that live on the run down Looney Tunes Estate are in danger of being evicted by the cruel landlord – Daffy Duck. In order to save their homes, Dikey informs his friends – South, Beta, Randy, Skunk, Mandy, Staff and Goth – that they are going to hunt down the treasure of an infamous pirate with a very cool name – Captain Kick Ass Skull Crusher – who bested a wimp known as One-Eyed Willie in a duel and ran off (sailed off!) with all his gold before one of his crew got careless and managed to steer their ship out of the water, onto land and then buried it under a local McDonalds, even though they didn’t exist in the 17th century. Dikey leads his friends in the hunt for the treasure and they have some awkward encounters with the Creature from the Black Lagoon who is having a mid-life crisis. In the end they find the pirate ship but Captain Kick Ass Skull Crusher and his crew come back to life for no reason other than they can. Dikey talks his way out of things by pretending that he and his friends are mad. They prove this by showing they have signed copies of One Direction CDs and it has the desired effect. Before leaving the ship, Dikey is given enough money to satisfy the demands of Daffy Duck and everyone lives happily ever after, including the Creature from the Black Lagoon who is given the contact number of a good therapist.
Working title?
The Loonies.
Tagline?
The Family Misadventure of the Year.
Who should direct?
John Carpenter.
Who should star?
Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell.
Mr B compares the stories
I grew up watching The Goonies. It was one of the classic eighties movies full of adventure, the truffle shuffle, “Hey you guys!” and a pirate captain with a very amusing name. Charlie has sought to recreate this endearing family movie by giving the pirate captain a better name and for some reason choosing the memorable cast of Stand By Me for the leads. This isn’t a bad decision for a movie in theory but when it comes to a script where the Creature from the Black Lagoon is having a mid-life crisis, I think such talented actors deserve much better.
0
