Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.
After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologize but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.
Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
What happens?
There’s four acts. The first bit is prehistoric. The second bit is in space. The third bit is in space. The fourth bit is in space.
Reason for bleaklisting?
It’s almost entirely in space.
What should have happened?
There are four acts tracing the evolution of Beard Face. The first begins with Beard Face’s ancestors, who consume 1001 calories a day, and live in the dinosaur age. They are left transfixed by a giant chocolate bar that mysteriously appears near their home but is too big for any of them to finish in one sitting. The second act is on the moon where Beard Face, who consumes 2001 calories per day, encounters a similar giant chocolate bar but is unable to finish it because he always has half a dozen pizzas before dessert. The third act is on a space station controlled by the computer VAL who insults Beard Face daily with such names as “flubber wubber” and “wide boy.” Beard Face is now consuming 3001 calories a day and during one nocturnal walk in search of a snack he bumps into the giant chocolate bar again but still can’t finish it. The final act sees Beard Face discover yet another chocolate bar. He is now consuming 4001 calories a day and in one sitting successfully consumes the mysterious chocolate bar. Beard Face is transformed into a small boy, donning a cowboy outfit and armed with some toy guns with a disappointing bang. Realising he’s become the Milky Bar Kid, Beard Face floats on a giant white chocolate bar towards Earth and ponders the meaning of life and truffles.
Working title?
4001 Calories: The Beard Face Odyssey.
Tagline?
A Super Calorific Expedition That’s Atrocious!
Who should direct?
Christopher Nolan.
Who should star?
Christian Bale, Scarlett Johansson (as VAL) and Keanu Reeves (as the giant chocolate bar).
Mr B compares the stories
I’m not sure whether to be offended or honoured by this one. Charlie has laid the foundations for a movie about me and chosen to rework Stanley Kubrick’s sci-fi classic in the process. The replacement of the monolith in the original with a chocolate bar here doesn’t really cut it for me and as for the increased calorie count, well, that’s just rude. Stick to the original here, folks. It might leave you scratching your head a bit at the end but it’s a small price to pay for avoiding Charlie’s Milky Bar denouement.
