It's a relief to be back in my safe little bubble
Where reality is suspended and I have complete control over everything
I really had to push myself this weekend
As I said in my last post my ED did not want me to go
She screamed in my ear at the top of her lungs not to go
I could've easily backed out but I didn't
I really wanted to be there
And I'm so glad that I did go
I would've been angry with myself if I didn't
I did manage to enjoy myself
I chatted with my family
I ate lovely food
I smiled (albeit forced)
I laughed
Fake it 'til you make it as they say
I wore my new skirt and jumper
I did my hair and applied make up
I supported my brother
Isn't it always the way that the thoughts of something are worse than the actual event itself?
Bulimia did make an appearance though
On Friday my family went in to town and I opted out
I binged and purged multiple times
It's a strange experience binging and purging in someone else's house
I couldn't really relax for fear of someone coming home and catching me mid binge
I got through quite a lot of food
Food that didn't belong to me
But in that moment before a binge, I feel so crazed and ravenous for food, that who it belongs to just doesn't come in to it
I remember a few years ago I was sharing a flat with 3 girls in Dublin
I was 19 and although I wasn't aware of it yet, I already had an ED
We each had our own cupboards for food
I used to take the other girls food and then watched as they argued and blamed each other
It was really confusing because I didn't know why I was doing it
I just had this huge compulsion to eat and I couldn't stop myself
The other thing that I found especially difficult this weekend was the whole social thing
I am so out of practice so I found it a bit of a strain
There are members of my family who I an completely comfortable around but there are others who I don't
Plus they were all drinking and I don't drink alcohol so I didn't even have that to relax me
I hate not feeling comfortable in my own skin
I kind of stayed on the fringes of conversation
They talked and I mainly listened
I wish that I had a bit more confidence
To be able to walk in to a room and be able to talk to anyone
I guess everyone struggles a bit socially
I did my best though and that's all I can do
It's funny, the place where I have ever felt the most comfortable was in treatment, which was a psychiatric hospital
It wasn't a typical hospital though
This one was for people with money or insurance
The ward I was on was called St Brigid's
It wasn't just for ED patients
There were all kinds of people in there
People with anxiety or depression and other illness
I felt so free when I was in there
There was always someone to talk to and they understood exactly how I felt
People were so open about their problems and that was such a breath of fresh air
We cried
We laughed
We helped each other
Supported each other
I was myself and it felt amazing
I could take off my mask and just be Ruby
But in the real world people aren't so open
I miss that feeling
It was incredibly difficult not being able to weigh myself for the past 4 days
Of course in my head I imagined that I had gained 20 pounds
When I got home the first thing I did was weigh
I find weighing very anxiety provoking
Because I know the effect those numbers can have on my mood and self esteem
I hate that those numbers have so much power over me but they do
I stripped and carefully stepped on the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
The red numbers flickered and then settled
I had gained a grand total of 1 pound
Relief flooded through my body
I just couldn't handle any more than that
Since returning home I've been binging and purging non stop
I can't stop
I don't know how to stop
It's a relentless cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up........
I have a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
It's soul destroying
Draining
It leaves me mentally and physically exhausted
But I don't know how to stop
I'm spending a small fortune on food these days
I'm paranoid that the people in the shop know what I'm doing with all this food
Please bulimia just give me one day off
A chance to recharge my batteries
I just need a rest
Some peace of mind
I want to get off this merry-go-round
This has to stop
It has to
I can't take another day with my head stuck in a toilet bowl
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the toilet water and I don't recognize myself anymore
I just a girl with papery skin and dead eyes
She's dead on the inside
She's lost
She's alone
She's afraid
She's me
