The Aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night Soon escalated in to an out and out rowThe second in a weekMy mother was here on SundayAnd tried to get us to work it out But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up
The next morning I was in the living roomMy sister came in and wanted to call a truceWe shook hands And murmured that we were sorryI wanted the fighting to stopIf only for my poor mothers sakeIt's not fair on her to have to listen to usAs she said herselfWe were acting like childrenSince then things have been very coolAnd there is an icy atmosphere in the houseWe are staying out of each other's wayNot easyBut we are trying 
I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move outI wrote that post when I was still very upsetNow that I have calmed down a bit I know it would be silly to make a rash decisionOr make a decision out of angerAnd you My wonderful readers Were  on hand with some great adviceSonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people All with their own words of wisdom to pass onSo thank you for that
Of courseI still want to move outAnd I crave independence so very muchBut as one of my live readers pointed outIt's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery I think this is sound adviceAs the first year of recovery is hard enoughWithout making any life changing decisions The first year of recovery is all about firsts First year clean and soberFirst birthdayFirst ChristmasFirst holiday There is so much to contend withWithout having to make any major decisionsSoI will still look in to my optionsAnd see what's whatAt least then I can make an informed decision 
My mom and I were talking about my sister yesterdayAnd we both agreed that she is not herselfShe is coming off her meds at the momentAnd seems to be struggling with side effectsShe is volatile And emotional And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at allBut that's her decision And she seems determined to do it
When I was very unwellMoving out was out of the questionI just wouldn't have managed by myself And also I had no urge to move outI was too busy in self destruct modeTo care about anything elseI guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings I just crave my own little place so badly But the way things are at the momentIt might not be the best idea  I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly You know My family know The only people who don't know are the ones who really should knowThe professionals I know I should get this situation under controlOr else it could escalate if I was on my ownI just can't trust myself at the moment I don't have the resistance to say no to drugsAnd if I moved outAway from the support of my familyThings could get worse rather than betterI know that I need to get this meds situation under controlEspecially as I am due to start a course in SeptemberAnd I really do want to be as well as I can be by then
Every night before I go to sleep I make a vow that I will do better tomorrowThat I'll get to a meetingAnd start taking my meds correctlyThen morning comes aroundAnd I misuse them againPromising that this will be the last timeBut it never isI am the very definition of insanityDoing the same thing over and over againAnd expecting different resultsI misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7I skip my methadone some daysSo I can take a double dose the following dayI also misuse my tabletsAnd the mixture has almost an opiate like effect
I know if I want to recoverAnd truly get wellThat I can't continue in this way The thing is I have it easyI get to useWithout any of the negative consequences I have a nice place to liveA roof over my head Clothes on my backAnd food in my fridgeMy drugs are freeThey are prescribed So I am not doing anything illegal I don't have to steal Or beak the law to get my fixI don't have to associate with other addictsThis is the tricky thing about meds They are prescribedAnd completely legalBut in abusing themIn my mindThat is as good as usingSame shitDifferent substance So you seeThere isn't the urgencyOr the impotuse to stop the behaviour 
I think if I were to move out nowMy addiction issues could well get worseAs there would be no one else there A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my familyI knowI should do it for myself But if that was the only wayI'd never get cleanIntegrity is doing the right thingEven when no one is watchingI don't know if I have much integrity right now
So I will stay putFor nowIt's not the right time to move outAnd I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons So I guess I will make the best of the situationIt's horrible to be on such bad terms But It is what it isI know I need to give my sister a break As she is dealing with a lot But I also have to protect myself and my recovery They say you can't pick your family And that is true Usually I get on great with my sisterWhich makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds
So I will waitI'm still in the very early stages of recovery I'm just finding my feet reallyAnd learning to live life on life's terms It's not easy Reality is boring And tediousAnd monotonous And I tend to escape any chance that I getBut I have to learn to deal Or else I will be running away from myself forever I don't want that I want to be able to live a good lifeTo be happy to be in my body and mind 
AgainThank you so much for all your continued supportIt means more than you will ever knowI feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me