Athletics Magazine

That Run Was a Disaster

By Brisdon @shutuprun

Is it just me or do you also have runs that are full of mishaps? This can include but are not limited to:

Clothing malfunctions
Getting lost
Bathroom emergencies
Falling down
Losing something
Extremely bad weather that forces you to call for a  pickup by a loved one (I call this a pussy pickup)

I had such a run yesterday. Let me preface it by saying the conditions sucked balls. It was negative a million degrees outside and snow was falling atop a 4” layer of ice. I knew running on the ice was plain stupid, but I figured the layer of snow would help.

What? That’s not rational thinking? Let’s just say I was determined to get in this run (and not on the treadmill). I can be stubborn that way.

Off I went. But not before I took the required “I’m cold as shit” selfie:

photo 1

Things started out okay enough.

Then, I realized my tights were falling down. These are SKIN compression tights. I had worn them before, just around the house doing my thing – laundry and such- but had never worn them running.

You know when your pants start to fall down and the crotch hangs about 1” low, like you are carrying a load in your pants? It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Thankfully my jacket was hanging low enough so my plumber’s crack wasn’t visible.

Several times I stopped to pull up my tights. Each time my iPod that was clipped onto my tights (yes, I still go old school with the mini clip on shuffle) would fall off, but I wouldn’t know it. I’d start running and the iPod would be dangling between my legs (TWSS). So, I would stop to fix my iPod, then pull up my pants again. I was getting sick of all of this extra work and maintenance.

Then, I kept having to put my face mask over my face because it was freezing. But, then I couldn't breathe and I’d have to take it off, feeling like I was suffocating to death (does anyone else deal with this?? It drives me freaking crazy). Through all of this my glasses would fog up causing me to be legally blind.

By this time my ass had started to really freeze. I have often wondered why it is my ass that is always cold and stays cold, so I came home and Googled “butt freezes while running.” I learned from Dr. Oz  it’s because my ass is full of fat. The body is smart and works to preserve heat. Since fat does not have as many blood cells as muscle it’s the last place to warm up. Note to self: turn ass fat into muscle before winter 2016.

Anyway, here I was running with a popsicle butt, plumber’s crack, iPod dangling between my legs, and I was blind as a bat. I considered just calling it a day, but by this time I was about 3 miles in. It would have been longer to turn around than to finish my 5.5 mile loop.

I pressed on.

It was about this time that my stomach started churning. I’ve had a bad tummy this week. Not sure why. Maybe wine, nachos, popcorn and coffee, but I’m really not sure. Anyway, suffice it to say I did not follow my own advice and committed the ultimate sin. I trusted a fart. Bad idea.

So, here I am with my tights hanging low and now I had a little chaser in there as well. In case you were not aware, it is possible for sharts to freeze.

I made it the 5.5 miles. It wasn’t my most pleasant run. But, I will say – every time I have a run this pathetic and I push through it I know it makes me a better person. Well, not really, but at least I know I can be uncomfortable and still keep going. At least I can run, right?

photo 3

What’s the last running mishap you’ve had?

Do you suffer from popsicle butt? What helps?


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