For your support
For your comments
And emails
And well wishes
I have been struggling to come to terms with my situation at the moment
But I have been overwhelmed with encouragement from you all
It truly means more than you will ever know
I didn't know where this blog was heading when I started writing it
I had been reading blogs for a while
And one night decided to start my own
Like a lot of my decisions
It was made on impulse
I was in a dark place
I was lonely
Isolated
Depressed
And anxious
The first couple of months of my writing was very unhealthy
I had no interest in trying to recover
I was only interested in maintaining my illness
And meeting like minded people
Which I did
But I never felt comfortable encouraging others weigh loss
So I don't do that
And never have
I don't congratulate when someone loses weight
I don't comment at all
I'm more interested in the person
Rather than what they weigh
Tempest left a very interesting comment on my last post
Which I will share here
When you find yourself thinking something like this, stop and think about whether you are holding yourself to a different standard than other people. If you feel like you are an exception to the rules that apply to everyone else (what is a minimally acceptable healthy weight, what is a healthy weight range, what is a healthy size, what your weight and size say about you) then it is the ED lying to you. There will be bad days, but you have shown that you have the strength to get through them. Don't believe the lies.
This comment really got me thinking
Because I think I do hold myself to a different standard to others
A much harsher standard
I don't judge others by what they look like
I don't see a person for the size of their body
I see them for the size of their heart
But when it comes to myself
I am so very critical
I worry that people think I am fat
I worry that I am not a size that is acceptable in society
I hate on my own body
And that is just not right
I think a lot of us ED girls hold ourselves to an impossible standard
We strive for perfection
And nothing less will do
And we are so hard on ourselves when we fall short of that standard
It's sad really
Because our best should be enough
We should be enough
I have so many amazing people around me
And I am pretty sure not one of them is judging me on my weight
Or what my hair is like
Or what clothes I wear
They like me for my personality
For my quirks and foibles
For my crazy sense of humour
For my love of laughter
Their love for me has absolutely nothing to do with how I look
And my love for them is solely based on them as a person
Not what brand names they wear
Or what they weigh
The last few days have been pretty hard
As I try to make sense of this new situation
This new body
This new life
I am trying to see my body for the amazing instrument that it is
It has survived so much abuse
So much hard living
It's been through so much
I used to look at super skinny girls
And wish that I looked like them
But I have noticed recently that I am looking at curvy girls
And thinking that I would love to look like that
I used to always go for the heroin chic look
Skinny body
Pale skin
Dark eyes
Sharp cheekbones
But now I am more attracted to curves and shape
A healthy look
This is something of a revelation for me
And it's also a surprise to me that I now feel this way
I now have a bum
I have hips
And boobs
Sharp edges and pointy bones have given way to soft curves
And dare I say it
I am starting to like my new body
I have said before
That I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
And I feel ok on the inside
My mood is stable
My depression and anxiety are under control
I feel strong
And healthy
And capable
And able
I am starting to feel comfortable in this new body
And getting rid of my old anorectic clothes has been a huge part of this
Trying to squeeze in to those clothes at this size was ridiculous
I now have new clothes
Clothes that fit me
And show off my new body
I feel good in them
Or at least I am beginning to
It's weird
I kind of feel like I am cheating on anorexia
That I am a traitor
Going behind her back to have an affair with being healthy
I almost feel guilty
Like I should be loyal to her
Even though she is a cruel bully
I still feel like I am two timing her
Does that even make sense?
My sister keeps reminding me that I am in recovery
And I need to be gentle with myself
And be kind to myself
She is so right
I need to give myself a break
I've been punishing myself for long enough
We've been suffering for long enough
Life is too short
To waste it on this cruel illness
I want to live
I choose to live
