'Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays....'

I do know that it's actually TuesdayBut I'm in Monday modeAs yesterday was a bank holidaySo doctor day was todayThe weekend was not greatI I over indulged in my meds during the weekSo I was left with two days meds to last me four daysI guess I could have spread them outBut where's the fun in that?This morning couldn't have come soon enoughEven though we are in AugustAnd the height of the summerThe weather here is woefulAs if it was the middle of winterThe dogs usually wake up between 5am and 6amSo I get up and let them outAnd go back to bed for an hourBefore getting up properly at about 7 30amWe headed in to the doctor for 9 10amMe, my mom and the two dogs Mum usually brings the dogs for a walk while I go to the doctorBut it was so wet and wild this morning that no walk was to be had
I arrived at the doctor on timeChecked in at receptionFound a half decent magazine to readAnd settled on a seat in the circular waiting My favorite thing to do when waiting is to play 'Guess the ailment'I scan the room And try to guess what each person is there for There were a few oldiesIt's always hard to guess what they are there for It could be anything really From a sore throat to piles to deep vein thrombosis I suspect a lot of them come to the doctors as a social outing
NextA young guy came in and sat down opposite meHe was wearing a hat with a marajuana leaf on it Then his mother came in and sat beside himShe looked none too happy eitherI suspected she might have marched him in there because he had a substance misuse problemObvious choiceBut it was a safe bet
Various other people came in And I diagnosed a bad backFlu And a sty in the eyeIt kept me busy as I waited to be called
Twenty minutes later My name was calledI followed my doctor in to his roomAnd sat down in my usual seatHe apologised for keeping me waiting He explained that he is the deputy coronerAnd had a pile of paper work to fill outI don't think I've mentioned it before But after my doctor increased my methadone to 36mlsHe promptly reduced it againOver the period of about a monthTo 32mlsI fought it all the wayHe wanted to reduce it every week To get me back down to where I wasBut I am a difficult customer to say the least
So today he asked me how last weeks reduction wentI told him it was okHe said he wouldn't reduce it this week But would next weekI asked him if he would wait until I got back from Turkey (Did I mention I'm going to Turkey next month)He asked me when I was going I told him the end of next monthHe laughedAnd said not a chanceSo I compromised And suggested reducing it once a monthWhich he agreed toHe filled out my script I thanked himAnd left 
Next stop was the chemist It's a short walk from the doctors surgery to the chemist But I got thoroughly soaked in the mean timeI arrived in to the buildingAnd my script was now a soggy piece of paperI handed it inAnd sat to waitMy usual pharmacist is on maternity leaveAnd there is a very nice guy in her placeI wasn't too fond of the woman pharmacist But she was efficientAnd never made mistakes The last two weeks the new pharmacist hasn't given me enough tablets And when I was on the way home I realised he'd done the same thing this weekWhat a pain in the....
AnywayI had one more stop before I could head homeI wanted to pick up a battery for my scaleWhich I keep forgetting to do So I braved the rain again To head to the supermarket After wandering go around the shop for a while I finally found them by the check outI chose the right onesPaid And ran back to the car
I was glad to get homeI put the kettle onWent to the privacy of my bedroom to weighI fitted the new battery StrippedAnd tentatively stood on the scale The numbers flashed And settled on a number I've lost about 3 - 4 pounds since I last weighed And I have it in my head that I want to lose 5 moreI know, I knowThat is dodgy territory And sounds absolutely daftIt's like asking an alcoholic to have one drinkI'm not naive I know it's dangerous to try and lose weightI just feel I look and feel my best when I am 5 pounds lighter than I am nowI have my reasons I have a big family do on the 16thAnd also my holiday next monthSo I want to look and feel my absolute best I want to be confidentWear what I want to wear And just feel comfortable in my skinI meanI don't want to be super skinny anymore I don't want to be sick and underweight I'm kind of ok with my bodyI am curvy now And that look is growing on meBut I would still feel a lot better if I was just that few pounds lighterI know It's hard to put the brakes on when losing weight But I feel confident that I can Watch this space I guess 
There are other things that I need to work on at the momentI have not been to a meeting in two weeksWhich is not good I want to go backI really doBut I feel like such a hypocrite Abusing my medsAnd going in and pretending to be clean and sober I know first I need to get my meds under controlBut it's just really hard Me and reality just do not mix wellI find day to day life boring MonotonousAnd endlessly tediousI meanI get through one dayOnly to start anotherI get through one yearOnly to find myself back at the beginning of anotherAnd time is flying by at an alarming rate I really want to press pauseAnd stand still for a moment I overtake my meds To keep myself in a state somewhere between being awake and asleepI love to sleepOr at least to be sleepyI love that feeling of being so tired that I could fall asleep at any momentI hate being alert and wide awakeIs that my addiction speaking?I think so
I guess the main thing is that I am okMy health is okMy mental health is okMy weight is okMy mood is okI am ok