Taking the “High Road” Isn’t the Easiest Thing To Do…

Recently, a situation has taken place that has really put my mindfulness skills to the test. The whole thing started off like this:

Earlier this year, a friend of mine passed away suddenly, and it really took a toll on me. After hearing the news, I went onto my private Facebook and “chewed out” a couple of people that I’ve held grudges against. Previous to this, I kept my feelings about these two unrelated individuals to myself, but after my friend died, I guess I felt I needed to release the pain and the anger I was experiencing. What more dysfunctional way to do so than trying to tear people down, right? Anyway, a few hours later when I finally came to my senses, I deleted my comments and figured that was that…. but it wasn’t.

Fast forward three months. I had started a successful Facebook group dedicated to one of my favorite bands, and one of the former members just happened to be one of the people I ripped on VIA Facebook after my friend passed. Despite not being on my friends list, a few people who were friends with me on Facebook had gone back and told him what I said, and of course I had no idea that this happened.

Then one morning I woke up and found a nasty message written about me that had been posted in the group. It was from the former band member. I didn’t read the whole thing…. once I got to the second line when I was called out for having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)**, I knew what was coming next, and I chose not to even let it be part of my consciousness. Instead, I deleted everything in the group and everyone who belonged to it. Sounds drastic, I know, but I had already received a couple of messages where I was called things such as a “crazy fucking bitch”. Hell, I would have deleted the damn group if I could have, but for whatever reason, there is literally not a way to delete groups on Facebook by just pushing a button.

A major reason I reacted the way I did instead of trying to defend myself and “get into it” with him was because this former band member has a wonderfully awesome ex-wife and two children who would have been pulled into this drama in some way or form. It would have been inevitable. It wasn’t long before this incident that he had suddenly abandoned his family (including his sick wife whom he had been with for about 25 years) so he could “tour” Europe and Australia with a skinny Swede who was young enough to be his daughter (all of this, btw, was what I “bitched” about on Facebook). They (the family) had already gone through enough hurt and pain, and I didn’t want to make it worse…. so I chose not to.

Looking back on it now, I don’t regret reacting in the way I did, and for better or for worse, I don’t regret saying what I said in the first place. I told him this later on. I said, “I apologize for doing what I did [calling his current band mate/girlfriend a "home wrecker" on Facebook after my friend died], BUT I don’t apologize for what I said.” This still stands true today. I know his mess is none of my business, but I’ve talked to his ex-wife and daughter before and they really don’t deserve the shit he’s selfishly putting them through (and has been blogging about almost since day one, which his ex-wife told me had really put her through a great amount of pain). Also, as his ex-wife is ill with a disease that there is no cure for and is something that has contributed strongly to the deaths of a family member of mine, a father of one of my friends, and has caused another friend of mine to have NO memories whatsoever of her mother NOT being in a wheelchair….  yeah, I guess you could say that I’m a bit biased.

Anyway, I have made my bed and I am laying in it. I accept responsibility for my actions, and what’s done is done…. nothing to do about it other than move on…

(**When I say that he “called me out” on my BPD, what I mean is that he used it as a way to attack me and defend himself. Basically, instead of just bitching about me and bitching about what I did, he pulled what I like to call the “mental illness” card. It’s like this: I have a mental illness, which means I’m fucking evil, nuts, a horrible person, a bitch, etc, etc, etc…. JUST because I have a diagnosed mental illness that has been made public. Talk to other people who have some sort of mental illness, especially BPD and Bipolar Disorder, that has been made public in some way, shape, or form, and many of them WILL tell you that they’ve had similar experiences.)