Sunday

I want to apologize for not always replying to comments recently I have to admitSometimes I am afraid to look at my commentsAs i am afraid of getting nasty onesI actually experience anxiety before checking comments Even though 99% of comments are lovely There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything elseI'm also struggling to reply to comments As I am finding things tough at the moment I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently Because I feel like a bit of a fraud I'm supposed to be in recovery I'm supposed to be doing well Yet Every day I struggle Every day I weigh myself And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight God forgive meI am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go downIt's a sick sick game But oh so addictive 
The last time I saw BredaShe spoke about widening my circleAnd doing more And I am struggling massively with thisI've pulled away from my friends All bar one Who I still meet every couple of weeks But apart from that And looking after my dogs I don't actually do very much I know I need to fill my days Get out and meet people Have a purpose I gets its a choiceChoose the ED and live a lonely miserable lifeWith no friends No job No college No dogs because I can't look after them No life Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 
Or else I could choose recovery And choose life Yes, life is scaryIt's tough Boring Overwhelming But it's also exciting Fun Enjoyable With recovery I get to live the life I want to liveI have my loved ones around meFamily Friends Dogs I studyI work I exercise I enjoy my food And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image
You would think that this is a no brainerThat most sane people would choose the latter But since when have I been sane?I feel the pull of my ED I hear her whispering in my earAll of things that will improve if I lose weight I can't lie It's so very tempting She is convincing And I have little resistance If I keep going the way I amI'm going to be underweight very soon But the thing is I have reached the goal I set myself And in fact gone beyond itThat should be enough right?Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered personFor usThe goal posts constantly shiftAnorexia will push you as far as it possibly canTo your very limits Until something givesYour body or your mind I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead That is her goalTo either starve myself to death Die of a heart attackOr tAke a handful of pills The ultimate sacrifice 
Having said all that I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away I've worked too hard to get through my issues And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog But have decided against itI've never shared my weight here I just don't think it's relevant And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers And compare their weightSo in an effort to avoid that I won't be posting my weight 
Another reason things are tough at the moment Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depressionAnd is feeling really low these days Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness I'm so used to being the patient The one that needs the helpSo to actually be the onlooker is really difficult My sister is quietWithdrawn Very upset at times And feeling quite hopeless It's so hard to know what to say to someone How to help My strategy to help herIs to make her laughAs I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul I give her hugsSit on her bed and just chatShe comes for walks with me sometimes But It's obvious that she is really strugglingIt's really  sad to witness And my mother and I feel so helplessAnd useless I wish there was more we could go to help All we can do is be there Make sure she is okThat she is warmEating okThe dogs are really good with her They sit by her Rest their heads on her kneeIt's like they know And they probably do I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression Well I did when I was in hospital The people who were really low rarely came out of their roomsOnly venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while I remember one guy in particular We spoke while chain smoking Sitting on the window sill Blowing smoke rings back and forthThis guy was in the depths of despair Like he had completely given upHe wore the same clothes day in day out And there was quite a smell off himHe just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower He didn't see the point Didn't see the point of anything I've experience low mood before But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed I do worry for my sister I know she that she is trying to fight it And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 
Anyway I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual lifeAnd that's okI am okand my sister is okAt least we will be...