Community Magazine

Struggling

By Rubytuesday
My sister knows She read my blogEven though I asked her not toShe is not happyAnd tells me if I see The Boy againOr use againShe will call the policeAnd report me and himI don't doubt that she will go this She means business 
He texted yesterdayWanting to meet upI decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymoreAgainst my better judgement I went to his houseWhere I found myself sitting in a living roomWith three dudes all skinning upSuddenly I just wanted to get out of there And just knew I had made a huge mistake going thereI racked my brain for an excuse to get out of thereI was becoming very anxious and paranoidAnd just wanted to get the hell out of there It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshitIt wasn't realAnd do I really want to be part of this world?The answer is noA definite no
I am realising that I can't use recreationallyI can't drink sociallyI can't have just oneI am an addictAnd a greedy one at thatIt has to be all or nothing
So there I was Sitting in a fog of dope smokeListening to these guys talkingI couldn't even say anythingI just wanted to run out of there I took out my phone And pretended that I had just got a textI said it was my nephews schoolAnd they needed someone to pick him up as he was sickI made my excuses and leftIt was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from thereI don't know if they believed meAnd I don't really careAll I know is that that is not a world I want to be part ofAt least now I know that for sure
I arrived homeAnd my sister was on high alertShe wanted to know where I had beenAnd who I had seenI told her the truthThere's no point in lying anymoreShe is worriedBut said she won't tell our mumThis time
I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The BoyHe has nothing to offer meOther than a drug habit But I still feel drawn to himAnd I hate that I amBut I know I can't see him anymoreIf I want to stay clean and soberIf I don't want to worry my familyIt sucks
I have too much to lose though As my sister said to me yesterdayI have worked too hard to get to this pointI don't want to throw it all awayAnd lose the trust I have built up with my familyDo I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?The answer is noI definitely don't 

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