I was totally unprepared for the call and was actually asleep when my mother answered the phone
She knocked on my door and said 'Imelda is on the phone'
I stumbled up to the phone wondering who the hell Imelda was and it wasn't until I heard her voice that I realised who it was
She had received my referral letters and was ringing to ask me some questions
I explained my situation as best I could
No need for sugar coating the truth anymore
It gets me no where
She asked me if I had any concerns about going in
I was honest and said I was nervous to see the 2 nurses that I had trouble with on my last admission
As luck would have it neither of them are working on that ward at the moment
Imelda said that they had concerns about my drowsiness
And I was very drowsy on my last couple of admissions
I struggled to stay awake during groups and it seemed every time I sat down I fell asleep
My methadone has been reduced since then so hopefully that won't be an issue this time
I asked her if there is a waiting list and there isn't
The programme isn't full
There are 5 girls in at the moment
I wanted to ask more questions like what ages are the girls and what ED do they have but I didn't
She offered me an assessment this week but I said I needed more time
She suggested next Wednesday so I agreed to that
This is all good news
This is what I want
But all of a sudden it's all real
It's actually happening and it's happening so fast
It's scary
The reality of the situation is only hitting me now
Talking about treatment and recovery is easy
But taking action is another story
I want to go to treatment
I do
I guess I know what's ahead of me and I know it's not going to be a walk in the park
The only thing scarier than going to treatment is doing nothing
Carrying on like this indefinitely is a horrible thought
I suppose I thought this would all take a longer
I was hoping to go in before Christmas but I didn't anticipate it being this soon
But this is good
Isn't it?
As well as myself going to treatment my family are also going in to treatment in a way
Family is quite involved in the process
There are weekly groups for concerned family and friends
And also family therapy
We live 3 hours away from the center so it's a big commitment
Plus I have to arrange care for my dogs which as you can imagine causes me a bit of stress
My Mum and Dad will spilt care and when they need to travel to Dublin the dogs will go to the kennels
The kennels I use are amazing
They know my situation and really are great
And the dogs actually like going there so that eases my mind
This is my last chance in this particular centre
So I do feel a bit of pressure to make it work
As I have often said, time isn't on my side any more
I'm not 19 anymore
If this doesn't work, I don't know where to go or what to do
But I'll cross that bridge when if I come to it
One thing is for sure
I can't carry on this way
My sanity
My health
And my wallet sure can't take much more
But today I just feel like getting in to bed and sleeping and forgetting this whole sorry mess
If there was an off button in my head I would gladly switch it off
I just want to be home and well
I want to fast forward 6 months and have treatment behind me
I just want to be free of this thing
Stop the world I want to get off!!!
