Now and again, out of nowhere - panic hits. It's becoming a rarer and rarer occurrence, but sometimes I find the only way to make it subside is by reading things - certain things, sometimes over and over - until eventually they start to make sense - until eventually I start to realize they are true and my brain is being entirely irrational.The first time I read this CNN piece by Daniel Smith - 'Can Anxiety Kill Your ability to Love?' - I cried. And I mean sobbed. It resonated so much, that I even made the stupid mistake of sending it to said individual it reminded me of, but to no avail. I doubt they even took the time to skim it - then again, that's only to be expected if the things Daniel says are to believed. Either way, it made me realize things weren't my fault - that I had no power to change them, and I had wanted to at the time.
Since then I have learned that I can't, that I shouldn't and that I don't want to - in that order. But that at least this piece gives me some hope that maybe that person did care, that they do - just that they're too fucked up to know how to deal with it. It's a long shot, and I'm not sure I believe it, but it's better than admitting to myself that I spent ten years thinking the world of someone who doesn't care whether they ever speak to me again.
On the opposite side of things, a friend also recommended I read this piece - 'This is the Moment Your Heartbreak Will End' by Kim Quindlen. It didn't have the same effect upon first glance as that previous, but it has been a grower as time has progressed. In particular, the final paragraph - 'And then, one day, you’re sitting in your office chair, and there are no longer tears vibrating behind your eyelids. You don’t even notice this fact. All you know is that you’re doing your work. And you’re going to happy hour later', has resulted in quite the feeling of recognition over recent weeks. The progression from that first day where I forced myself to go in - hands shaking, lump in throat, unable to concentrate for more than a few seconds without welling up - has been huge - and I am proud of myself for pushing through.
And then, the piece de resistance; If you read Tuesday's post you will have seen my having acknowledged the babe that is Laura and her blog - Superlatively Rude. This post - 'Selfish, Finally' made me realize exactly what it is I need to be now. In it she writes re her sudden realisation of 'the reason I am not in a relationship is because none of them have been good enough for me yet... I always thought it was me. My “fault".' And that sums up my attitude perfectly.
She talks about no longer being willing to mold herself into someone that need change just so as to please another person. She talks about only being willing to risk the lifestyle she is so contented with for the one who 'fits properly', for the one who is willing to meet her the 'whole way' as opposed to only half.
I'm no saint, but I do have a tendency to be willing to fit in around someone when I'm in a relationship - to want spoil them, to look after them... And though in general I believe this to be a positive quality, I have known for some time that I really do need to start thinking more about myself in these situations. To be more selfish, will, ultimately I believe - help me to be stronger, to be less willing to compromise and most importantly - to be less likely to suffer the same hurt again.
I'm trying.
Sarah x
