Another year overA new one just begun
Where this year has goneI do not knowI can remember this time last last year like it was yesterdayI can remember treatment so wellI can remember what people were wearingConversations I hadEverything like it just happened the other dayExcept Christmas day itselfI think I must have knocked myself out with meds As I can't remember a single thing about it
Our house is usually a hub of activity around Christmas timeThis is great if you are feeling sociable and up to itNot so great if you are not feeling 100 per cent
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating
The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying
I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down
It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done
I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one
I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery
In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't
Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any
I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now
It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favorite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favorite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favorite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people
What helps you get through the day?
