Silver Linings

SoFinallyThankfully I got to a meeting today at lunch timeAs you knowI've been trying to get to a meeting for some time nowAnd recent events have shown me that I need support I need to be around others like me I need to have some sort of plan in place with regards to my addictionI can't do this aloneAnd I am fed up and lonely trying to
I had told a few people that I was planning on going todaySo I had some encouragement and support And my good friend has been amazing at helping me make sense of things
But just to mess with meThe Boy texted todayHe has now movedAnd wanted to bring me out to the new houseI had a bit of a battle going on inside my headWill I meet The Boy?Will I skip the meetingI was so tempted to go meet himBut I hard a stern talk with myselfAnd decided to go to the meeting instead
I was so nervous all morningThat I felt physically sickI really didn't want to goAnd yet I knew I was going to goI called to my neighbor as her husband died on TuesdayMore of which in another postI just wanted to keep busy as I knew if I let myselfI would talk myself out of going
Finally it was lunch time My nerves were at me big timeAnd I drove as fast as my heart was beatingI arrived at the venueThere were a few cars outsideOne of which I recognised as my friendsI locked my car and headed inI walked down the short corridorAnd when I reached the door of the roomI stood outside it For what felt like an eternity Having an argument about whether to go in or notI could hear voicesAnd the familiar passage of The Big BookI put my hand on the handle of the doorAnd walked in
The first thing that hit me was the darknessAll the lights were offAnd six people say in a circle Around a portable heaterThe first face I saw was my friendsShe had a huge smile on her faceI recognised a couple of other faces tooI took a seatAnd the meeting beganOne by oneEveryone spoke I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak and just listen But hearing everyone else gave me the courage to speakAnd I didI was nervousAnd I could hear the wobble in my voiceI was honestNot felt goodI was glad I wentAnd then it was over
I spoke to a couple of people afterAnd my friend gave me a massive hugThen something a bit strange happenedI was on my way to the bathroomWhen one of the men started talking to meAt first he was nice And made a lot of senseBut then he started talking about how he is having trouble with his 'sexual conduct'And pornI was really taken aback at his candourAnd more than that I felt really uncomfortableIt was totally inappropriate for him to speak to me like thatAs he went in to quite a bit of detailWhich I won't repeat hereI really did not want to hear about this persons sex lifeAnd I'm not quite sure why he thought it was ok to tell me this
AnywayI know better than to judge AA on just one meetingAnd I know that not everyone in the meetings is wellOr even saneSo I won't let this unfortunate incident sway my opinion
So now I am homeI'm sitting with my dogs at my feetAnd a cup of tea in my handMy head feels clearFree from all the nonsense that had been plaguing me of lateI am so glad that I wentIf this whole situation had a silver liningMaybe it will be that my recovery becomes strongerAnd I get back to meetings 
I feel like I have made the first step to getting back on trackI feel positiveDare I say it HopefulThat things can improveThat I can recover from my addictionThat there is life beyond addictionAnd it is a rich and colourful lifeFull of happiness that can't be found in a bottle or a pipe or a needleAnd I do believe that there is someone out there for meNot that that's a priority at the momentIt isn'tMy priority at the moment is not to useAnd once I get on top of that WellAnything is possible