In the past week or so nothing has really happened but everything is changing
Thinking about it, it started last weekend
I can't really talk about what happened but lets just say it was enough to make take a good hard look at my own life and where I'm going
I think I already wrote about getting hyper from lack of food last Sunday
It wasn't on purpose
I only realised at the end of the day that I hadn't eaten
In this hot weather my appetite disappears
It happened again yesterday but when I became aware of it, I made myself eat something
It was such a scary feeling
It seems that my whatever about my body, my mind can't take not eating anymore
It's had enough
I've had enough
Last Friday I had a session with Mary and also my mother attended
To be honest I was dreading it
I worried about what my mother would say
Would it be the same as what I had told Mary?
I thought about cancelling but my mother seemed to want to do it so I went
In the event it was fine
It was positive and quite light hearted compared to the first one
It was eye opening to hear her perspective
I left feeling hopeful and motivated, something that eludes me most of the time
As you know I believe in signs
I believe if you look you will see clear signs pointing you in the right direction
I at the beach Saturday morning and had to go shopping and then fill my car with petrol
Usually I go shopping first but yesterday for some reason I went to the filling station first and went to one that I don't usually go to
I can't say why I just felt that's what I should do
I was coming out from paying and just about to get in to my car when I heard someone calling me
I turned around and saw a guy in a black car with shades on
He was waving
At first I had no idea who he was and just stood staring at him
Then I realised who it was
It was a guy a used to be friendly with and went to meetings with
I walked over genuinely happy to see him
We chatted for a while even though we were still parked at the petrol pump
I told him a little bit if what's going on and how I really want to go back to meetings
He was very kind and listened and made some good suggestions
I left telling him that I would see him at a meeting soon
When I got back to my car and drove off I started thinking what a coincidence that was
It was quite early on a Saturday morning in a town neither of us are from at a place I never usually go and it's probably the first time I've seen him in over a year
I had actually texted this guy last week to wish him a happy birthday and then he was put in my path
Strange but true
I took it as a clear sign that it's time to go back to meetings
Even if it wasn't a sign, it's still a reason to go back
In the afternoon we went down to see my nephews new kittens
I love animals and they were adorable
I was taking photos and I asked my mother to take one of my sister and I
When I looked at it I noticed the difference between the two of us
I looked tired and frail and she looked healthy and fit
I didn't like what I saw
It scared me
Yesterday morning I got that same hyper feeling again
It's like I had boundless energy and couldn't stop talking
I remember feeling like this when I was in Australia
One day in particular
I hadn't eaten in two days and we were going out for dinner that night with my sister's parents
I wasn't aware of it at the time but thinking back I was quite manic
They must have thought I was nuts
It's only now that I am starting to make connections between my intake and my mood and my mental state
Yes, only now
I began to get really scared yesterday and could feel paranoia creeping in
I went to my mother and told her I was worried about myself
That I felt I was going crazy
That maybe I should go to hospital
She managed to convince me that I wasn't
I immediately ate something
She was going to meet her cousin at the beach for a walk and she suggested that I go too
I was afraid to stay on my own so I went
Very unusual for me
So I went and I was so glad that I did
The change of scenery and getting out of my own head made a huge difference
My head went quiet and I even relaxed and laughed a little
We spent a few hours there and by the time I got home I was feeling a million times better
All these things and more have made me very afraid
I have never been afraid when it comes to my ED
Drugs, yes
I got to a point where I was terrified of what would happen next and that's how I feel now
What will happen next?
Will I really lose my mind?
Will my body give up?
As I've said many times this thing eventually catches up with you no matter what weight you are
I think it's good to be afraid
A bit of fear is healthy
And why wouldn't I be afraid?
I actually can't believe it's taken this long to finally become scared
So I've been making myself eat
Little and often
Even though I don't want to
Even thought the scales was a little up this morning
Even though my whole body is screaming NO!
I'm doing my level best not to purge
I'm doing little things to help myself
I'm trying
I have to
There is nothing that recovery can throw at me that is worse than being this way
