'See You on Friday'

It was this morningDoctor day as usualI was in and out quicklyAs I had the first appointmentQuick chat with my doctorThen collected my medsAnd headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogsWe went to the supermarketAnd bought soda bread Apple turnoversBefore driving home
I changed into a comfortable tracksuitI had already taken my meds in the car on the way home I'm so used to taking my methadone That I can measure it in swigs from the bottleAnd don't need to measure it anymoreI gave the dogs a treat before their napI made a cup of tea for me and my sisterShe had her apple turnoverI decided to keep move until later I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blogWhen my sister said to me'See you on Friday'I stopped and looked at herI wasn't sure what she meantMy mom laughedBut I wasn't getting the jokeI asked her what she meantShe gave me a knowing lookThen I realised'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked herShe nodded I looked at my mom again'Do you think that too?''Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she repliedI was a bit taken a back But I continued on my way in to the living roomI know they were making a jokeBut I think there is truth in jest
It's trueOn Mondays I am not very presentI take my meds as prescribed on a MondayBut I call Monday my 'Day off life'As I usually sleep for most of Monday 
I can't lieDuring the week I do misuse my meds To get out of my own head To escape To sleepTo opt out I know this is not goodAnd in a lot of ways I might as well be using As I am taking mind altering substancesI try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any timeSo any time of the dayI can check off the planetIf I am bored If I am lonelyOr sadOr afraid I can just close my eyes And drift away
I am on five different medicationsIncluding the controlled substance methadoneI'm also on two anti depressants And two anti anxiety medsThey have accumulated over the yearsIt seems every time I hit a crisisThe powers that be increase my medsIf I am completely honestMeds are not the answerThey are a quick fixBut it's like putting a bandage on a broken legIt might ease the painBut it won't cure it at all
I can remember when I was about 12I complained to my mom that I couldn't sleep She brought me to the doctorAnd I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tabletsAt 12 years oldOf course he didn'tAnd I was bitterly disappointed
Since thenI've always looked to pills to cure my illsAnd of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs Then while hospitalised over the yearsI can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tabletsAnd being really jealousAgainI complained to the doctors that couldn't sleepAnd I was promptly put on a sleeperNo questions asked 
I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult I find the days really long And tedious And boring I do have something on every dayAnd I try and stick to a routine But there are many hours to killAnd I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleepingCome SeptemberI am starting a part time courseSo I really want to get on top of this before thenAnd also this summerI am going to ask my local dog kennels If I can go out a couple of days a weekI think that would be good for meAnd will occupy my days
The other reason I want to escapeIs my thinkingMy thinking exhausts meThe negativity over over analysing can be relentless I hate it so muchAnd so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractiveMeetings help with this But only to a pointEscaping doesn't solve the problem It just postpones itThe. Minute my meds west offIt's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking
I know that I need to get on top of this If I want to move forward in my recovery If I want a lifeA jobA family I need to be 100% soberIt's not easyBut it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal lifeDrugs are a dead end The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and deathI don't want any of those Not at allI need to get my shit togetherAnds the sooner the better