Ruby Returns....

I'm back After a few days of a blogging breakIt felt like years rather than daysI missed blogging I missed writingI missed youMy little blogger family My dear friendsI missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails I missed feeling part of somethingSomething bigger than me I missed reading your updatesCommenting I missed it allBut as I said before I left I had acknowledged that my real life needed some workA lot of work if truth be toldThis week has been tough I've had to take a good hard look at myself My life What I do of a day How I manage myselfMy ups and downs My emotionsMy relationships My addictionMy eating disorderMy medications Yes It was plain to me That my real life needed some attentionThere have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks Especially around bloggingI learned that just because it happened Doesn't mean I need to blog about itAs a rule I've always elected not to write about others My family My friends My blogger friends But lately I've been bending that rule And that is not ok with meI guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned As you know I write everydayAnd some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write aboutSo lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blogThings that should be kept to myself Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readableI have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life byI have written about things that I usually wouldn't have The other issue Is how open and honest I am on my blogIt's a double edged sword really Being that honest I know can help othersAnd encourage them to be honest tooAnd I want to continue to be honest I really doBut I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately AgainFor something to write about And almost for the shock factor tooMy blog started to become like a fictional story A made up character Rather than my lifeI would read over my blogAnd it was like reading about someone else Like it wasn't me That's not good And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about It's a real personNot a character in a story 
Then there is the whole meds situationI have given responsibility of my meds to my mother She is holding on to them And I go to her each morning to take themI know she doesn't really hide them I could find them if I wanted toAnd she doesn't stand over me as I take them So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around themI can't lie Everyday hasn't been perfect But I am doing my best And a hell of a lot better than I was doing So I guess I'm moving in the right directionI'm seeing Breda on Monday So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my medsAgain I am reluctant to talk to my doctor But I will play that one by ear
I met a good friend yesterday A girl I was in treatment withAnd have kept in touch with sinceWe meet up every few weeks And it's always so lovely to chat to herShe is a few years older than me So she always has some sage words of advice for meI told her that over the last whileI have been having an existential-type crisis You know the one Where you ask yourself Who am I?What am I doing ?Where am I going?What is my purpose?Am I just a waste of space?A burden to my family and society?I've been asking these question a lot lately As a feel I am just treading water And barely keeping my head above the water line My friend said some really wise things That I am doing my best That I am enough Just the way I am That I will find my wayI am finding my way I have been through a lotAnd am barely a year in to my recovery I just need to keep going Keep putting one foot in front of the otherAnd keep fighting 
Another thing I have learned Is that I am not perfectAnd never will beNo one is I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life And when I am feeling low I take them out of the file in the back of my head And berate myself with them I've been doing that a lot lately I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my lifeIf I think about it too muchI really will go insane One thing that has been helping me Is saying the the serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I can not change The courage to change the things I canAnd the wisdom to know the difference
There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those wordsOver and overLike a mantra A chant There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past I can't change things I've doneI've said The people I've hurt The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made All I can do is learn the lessonAnd move on 
So yesHopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier directionI can't lie I still have huge urges to escape realityThe thought of living day in day out isTerrifying But As my friend said to me yesterday Delay Delay the thoughts Delay the behaviour DelayAlso All I have to deal with is this 24 hours And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes I don't know guys I guess this is just life And sometimes life sucks Everyone goes through tough timesEveryone has a story A past A few skeletons in their closet No one is perfect Everyone has made mistakes It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes It's everyone 
By the way Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situationI rang them before I went away To let them know I would start when I got backThey said to ring when I returned Which I did Where upon they told me that they had me on fileAnd would ring me when I was needed I was confused As I thought that I would be starting But it looks like I might have to call in to them againAs a phone call doesn't seem enough
AnywayJust wanted to let you guys know that I am hereAnd I am ok As ever I will keep writingKeep showing up and doing my thingKeep fighting for a better life For recovery For me and my family