Rip

I write this post a very sad and confused RubyIt's been a crazy weekI saw on Facebook last weekThat I guy I was friends when I was growing up was missing And had been for a few daysI wasn't worried at first And there was no panic to beginWith Just concern that he was okIn fact This guy had been more than my friend He had been my first ever boyfriend when I was just 14We went out for about ten months Which is a lifetime when you are that age I went to the girls schoolHe went to the local tech We met every day after schoolSmoking cigarettes and stealing kisses around the back of the church We wrote each other letters And because we both loved The Doors We addressed each other as Pamela and JimHow cringey But also how cuteThen After a few years We hooked up again After we lived in the same neighbourhoodBut It didn't last As I was going off the rails with drugs I kept an eye on FB during the weekBut there was no sign of himThen On Friday I saw messages of condolence on social media But I still didn't know what had happenedI went in to work yesterday morning as usualStill none the wiserI got a text from a girl I went to school with I figured it was about this guy So I took a few minutes to ring herShe confirmed it He was dead I asked her what had happened She explained that he had been working in the UKAnd had been home for a short while Apparently He had been suffering with mental health issuesAnd was experiencing depression and paranoia My friend thought that this may have been due to drug abuser over the years He hung himself He was 36 years old 
Even though he was suffering He sought no helpAnd wasn't under the care of a doctor Or any other professionalThis news breaks my heart Another young man lost to suicideIt's confusing It's disturbing And deeply upsetting My heart goes out to his loved ones He will be missedI just hope he has found some peaceGod knows he deserved itI was in work when I heard this newsAnd I confided in my work mate It was good to talk about himAnd remember himI rang my Mam to tell her She would have taught this guy in schoolIt hit her hard tooAnd she was in tears as I explained about his deathThankfullyI was on a short shift And was only working until 12pmBut to be honest with you I kind of wish that I had been working longer At least then I wouldn't have been thinking about him so muchI have so many lovely memories about this guy And I guess he was my first love Now I guess there are so many what ifs?If only he had talks to someone If only he had asked for help If only I had kept in touch with himI can't imagine what was going through his headThat he felt his only option was to disappear from everyone Tie a knot in a rope And end his short life It's just so very sadI despair I really do
It seems that suicide is becoming an epidemic in this country Heck I've been there myself In a situation where I thought my family would be better off without me That things would never improve And that death was the only release from the pain I was inThankfullyI have moved past a place where life scared me more than deathI feel more able to cope with life And whatever it throws at meThis is what we need The tools to deal with life Because heaven knows life is not a straight path There are so many bumps and obstacles along the wayBut we do our best And that's all we can do
This morning The parental unit and I went to mass at the holy wellIt's a mass for the sick So Dad wanted to go to get blessed I also got blessed And I lit a candle for my friend Hoping that he has now found peace
They say that suicide is a selfish act I don't buy that The person who is suffering often feels like they are a burden to their loved ones And that they are better off without themThey believe that they are relieving their family of stress and worry But of course that is not the case Suicide leaves a trail of grief and destructionConfusion and deep loss Death is just so final And especially when it is a young personWho had everything to live for I feel quite empty Like life is sometimes pointless We live We die And we get a very short space of time between the twoFor a long time I placed no value on my own life I didn't care whether I lived or died It just wasn't important to me at allBut now Now I want to live I want to be alive And part of this world I just wish that my friend had reached out and asked for help It's too late nowRIP MichaelYou are loved and missed...